Dear Addi

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

My addiction journey part 7

Hello friends.  This is second to the last part of my journey.  It is the final escalation that led to my rescue.  I have been very careful to not share too many details...just events.  If, however, you find yourself getting "triggered" by such things, I am putting up this disclaimer.  I needed to share this part.  It shows just how far an addiction like this can go if allowed to fester.  I hope this helps someone.

It started out again as it always did...simply viewing. Soon I again found myself on web sites to chat only this time I was finding it easier to chat with women of all ages and i was finding fewer and fewer barriers or lines that I wouldn't cross. Any person willing to give me what I needed was fair game. All the while I was using the same deceitful tactics and lies. Next came the perusing of the online classifieds and the answering of ads until finally I found myself  writing an ad to pull in someone to chat with locally.

It sounds so calculated and designed. But it was just a natural progression for me except this time was different. What initially took 24 years of slowly slipping deeper and deeper, gradually relaxing my standards and loosening my morals, now took me less then 5 months to return to in entirety.   Each outlet was never enough.  It always led to more and more until finally I found myself chatting with as many as 5 women at once. It took almost all of my time at the office.  Little did they know that my cute and dorky, charming facade was simply a replay of what I had said so many times before. None of them ever received an original thought that had not already been proven on another.

After a couple of weeks I had narrowed it down and found myself chatting with 2 women. I see now just how manipulative I was. I preyed on their vulnerabilities hoping for something more than just a chat buddy. They were single, lonely, and eager for attention and affection.

It turned out one lived an hour away and the other in my home town. Keep in mind I sincerely believed that I was only going to chat with them and exchange stories and fantasies.   My goal was to get it out of my system. But it never gets out of your system. Your system will always want more and more.

I chatted with both. However, the one in my home town was more available to chat when I was and so that is where I concentrated most of my efforts. We talked via email daily. After a full month of chatting I discovered through some questioning that she lived only a few blocks away from our home.

I felt the urge to disconnect. This was far too close. She could easily know me or someone who knows me. This was way too risky. I knew I should disconnect but again, I did not. You see, things had suddenly become more complicated. Before discovering that we might be neighbors, I had shared photos of myself with her. She knew my face now. To cut and run as I had done before would be difficult to do. What if we ran into each other?  She could possibly expose my lies to all. I told myself that this was my reason for allowing it to continue. But this was just another excuse. In truth, I was again completely sucked in by the lust that surrounded every conversation.

Right before Halloween, she began to see through some of my lies. They were the lies I told about my name and family and work. She became angry that I had kept lying all that time and told me not to contact her again.  Part of me felt that I had found a way out. The other part of me felt like I had just lost a constant source for feeding my addiction..

On Halloween night, I spotted her trick or treating with her kids on our street. Up until now, she had no Idea where I lived. She came right up to our house with her kids. I panicked. Not knowing if she had seen me, I decide to quickly walk down the street to avoid meeting in person.  The next day she sent me an email saying she had seen me and felt that If I could answer a few more questions that perhaps she would be OK to continue chatting.  I saw an opportunity to keep my deception going but I answered her questions with half truths and more lies.  My answers satisfied her and before another week had passed, she had invited me to come visit her at her home.

My urges were on high alert. I remembered only too well what happened the last time I was invited to meet someone in this way. I knew the consequences of such a visit. But unlike last time, I found myself almost on auto pilot. It was no longer a battle anymore. I had lost the battle long ago. I was now numb to any enticings of the spirit completely. I still knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I had absolutely no will power to push back against the desires.  I had already decided I was going to hell for the things I had done…. It mattered not if I screwed up again.

That simple statement became my doctrine. It allowed me to rationalize my actions and behavior and so, I went.  That was the first of many visits that took place over the next 2 months.  I continued with my lies and deceit. I continued with my quest to receive what i needed to fulfill my appetite… and here I had someone willing.  So effective were my lies and manipulation that she began to have real feelings for me.   How could she feel that way about someone she barely knew especially when all she knew was filled with half truth?  I allowed her to let her feelings grow because it meant that I would be able to continue to take advantage of the relationship. I cared not about what I was doing to her, her heart or her head...only what she could do for me.  My actions were motivated by my own selfish desires.

At the same time I was feeling torn.  I really wanted it over.  In my heart I needed this to end. I felt trapped.  Even if I did have the willpower to stop, I had a problem.  She knew where I lived. She could possibly out me if I hurt her feelings. I told myself that the only way to protect my family and my marriage was to continue my lies and the relationship. This was just one more of the rationalizations that perpetuated my sins.

It was a relationship of convenience. I had discovered a person who needed what I could provide her.  She needed to be complimented, to be made to feel good about herself and to feel loved and of worth and of value.  So, thinking only of myself, I did that for her.   I handed out loving words, gifts, poems, and more to manipulate her and to help her feel like she needed me. I had fallen in lust and I was using every sweet, silly, or romantic idea I had to keep it flowing.

I mistakenly  thought that now that I had reached this point, that perhaps I would finally find a way to quench that thirst that never goes away.  My desires and needs had been my overriding objective for months. I had finally found someone who was willing to try and satisfy that urge.   Of course she had no idea that she was a victim of my addiction. She never knew that she  was just my latest prey.

And as the the weeks progressed,  I began to discover that the hole I thought I could fill with my most recent sexual escalation was still gaping wide open. My urges started again. I needed to find filler for that hole.  In the meantime, my self hate was beyond comprehension. I had been lying, and hurting and deceiving so many people. I hated my actions but with no hope for forgiveness or redemption from my sins,  I for the first time in my life, began to have thoughts that perhaps life would be better without me in it.

If I weren't around, my wife  would be able to find a man who could be honest with her. She could have the promised eternal blessings with someone who was worthy. She deserved that after all. More than anybody in this she deserved to be made whole. My children could have a father who wasn't completely warped with thoughts of filthiness and corruption. They could have a genuine response from a man who loved them openly, instead of the protective love of a man who feared he might expose his sins at any moment. I felt on several occasions that maybe that was the only way to escape this crippling infection. Again, I found myself filled with Satan's lies.  I knew that they were lies as I would never ever consider taking my life, at least not seriously.   But the thought found its way into my mind on more than a few occasions. My self loathing simply sent me deeper into dark waters and I ended up escalating one more time.

This time it was easy to take it to the next level.  At the same time I had been enjoying the spoils of a willing partner, I was also continuing to chat with one of the women that answered my ad from several weeks earlier. She invited me to come and see her in her home an hour out of town.

Yes you are reading this correctly. In the middle of my affair, I decided to have a second affair. All I could think about now was sex. I had become a runaway train and I was gaining speed. There were no road blocks or stop signs I wouldn't blast through. All that mattered was the next thing. Surely I could do no more damage  by indulging with another?   It had become a free for all into depravity.  As far as my distorted mind was concerned, nothing would be off limits. How completely broken I had become. I was spinning out of control. I was taking risks and throwing caution to the wind. Blinded by lust and desire, all of my rational thought had been blurred.

I went and met the woman out of town in her home and again found myself engaged with her intimately.  Just so you know how single focused and obsessed I had become, here is a description of that day in a nutshell.  I  went to see Alice in the morning, then headed out of town to see the other woman. I had so little respect for each that I spent time with both on the same day.  And of course after a day filled with both women,  I came back home to my wife and put on a smile.

I continued to live with the guilt and shame but I had become so accustomed to it that it had begun to feel like my own skin. I hated everything about myself. My self loathing and hate only served to send me deeper into my spiral of indulgence.

I deleted all my information and never spoke to the 2nd  woman after that but over the next couple of weeks, I met with at least 2 other women in person,  hoping with each to flirt and impress my way into intimate situations. And while I didn't become involved with either, I continued to reach out to many others hoping to trap them in my web of deceit.

In the final 2 weeks of the affair with Alice, I knew things were winding down.  My lust felt unsatisfied (because lust is NEVER satisfied) and I again posted an ad online. A few interested parties responded and I began chatting with them right away.  Three days before everything came crashing down,  I was beginning to chat seriously with another woman in my home town.   We'll call her Kim. Kim and I chatted back and forth through email and  began sharing pictures and started up a flirty conversation.

While I was beginning a new relationship with this new Kim, things were coming quickly to a halt with Alice. We had decided that it was time to call it off. It was beginning to get too risky and we were going to get caught.   I was so grateful that we had finally brought it to an end.  I felt horrible about it.   It was never supposed to become this long drawn out affair.  I was just supposed to get what I needed and get out  and so I was anxious for it to end, especially as she began to express more and more of her feelings.

The opportunity came and we decided that I would come by to see her one last time on a Tuesday morning. We spent the morning chatting and pledging to never contact each other again. “I wish it could go on but I really need to try and fix my family, “ I had said. This of course was a lie. What I really wanted was to rid myself of the guilt.  What I really wanted was to stop this behavior and never do it again. I wanted to shove the last 2 months deep into my past and never speak of them to another soul forever more. I told myself I would use this moment to start fresh. I would recommit harder than ever this time.  Yes, this would be the time that it would be behind me forever.

Okay, yes...I did mean that but maybe not this second...or this morning.   I would start  this afternoon because as I was saying goodbye to Alice,  I was preparing to meet with another woman,  just to see if we clicked.

Side note…. I am so completely filled with disgust at myself as I write this. I have literally spoken of chatting or meeting with 4 different woman in the space of 2 weeks. How completely addicted to this life of darkness and shame I had become.

I told My wife that I had a meeting with a client an hour out of town.   While away, my wife would be going into my office to work. I went and met with this woman. We chatted for about 20 minutes and then said goodbye.  For some reason, this became the moment that I finally began to see how completely stuck in this hell I had become. Here I was, literally less than 2 hours from trying to put an end to everything and getting control and I am already chatting alone with another woman. There was no way to exit. I was on this runaway train for the rest of my life. And it is getting faster and faster.   I did not have the strength to pull the brake.  I would go on lying and deceiving and hurting others the rest of my life because this is just who I was.  Perhaps someday I would find a way off the train.  Perhaps someday I would find the courage to jump,  ending this hell forever.  The crushing weight of shame and guilt came again. I drove aimlessly lost in my guilt and loathing.

At one point during my drive, my phone rang.  It was my wife. I could not bring myself to answer the phone. I was too ashamed and filthy to talk with her right now. I felt like the weight was getting so heavy that I might slip up and reveal myself. So, I ignored the call. My phone chimed announcing that I had a new message.  As I listened to her message,  I heard my wife  through pain and tears and weeping say,  “Jason… I need you to call me right away…...Please call me.”  

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