Satan and I are engaged in a vicious battle against each other. He was so very close to destroying my family. He was so close to permanently having one of the Lord's valiant sons firmly in his camp. My husband was spiritually dead...having very nearly crossed over to Satan's side all the way. Luckily for him (and not so luckily for the adversary), the Lord took over. Oh sure, my husband had to finally hit the lowest point
possible to be willing to turn everything over to Him, but once he did, we have felt the Savior step in and take the reins. Our family is drifting away from hell and back towards heaven...finally. Satan isn't happy about it so he is attacking both myself and my husband with renewed vigor.
I posted a little bit last time about my struggles with a new temptation here:
The adversary is leaning heavily on my husband, tempting him to give in or "slip," and he's leaning on me to do things that are unholy and impure. The adversary is also filling my head with doubts, fears and anxieties. When we first started on this journey a few months ago, I wrote in my journal about the thoughts that were flying around in my head. I then tried to determine if I should assign those thoughts to Satan or to the Lord.
To illustrate the epic battle that I am waging in my mind, I thought I would share some of those "promptings."
1. "He's going to lose his enthusiasm. This is just the honeymoon period. Just wait until things quiet down..he will be right back at it." Okay, this one was from Satan. I am learning that the Lord doesn't send promptings that stir up contention and worry. He sends thoughts of peace and strength. I will admit, I still wrestle with this thought constantly and I find myself always on the lookout for clues that my husband is being dishonest again or acting out. (I think that is an okay thing to do...I would be irresponsible if I didn't keep a watchful eye but I need to stop obsessing about it as Satan would have me do.)
2. "You were brought to your husband by me. Don't ever doubt your choice in partners. He was struggling with this before I brought you to him. I knew that but I prepared you to be able to handle it." I received this prompting in the temple so I am certain it came from my Heavenly father. Our meeting and eventual marriage to this day is the biggest miracle in my life. The Lord literally pulled me out of Provo and sent me here (a place I had never even seen) to work so that in the first week, I could meet my husband. When I first met him, I felt like I was coming home.
3. "The loss of all of those blessings though his excommunication is going to be awful for your family. You will miss out on so much. Get out now and find someone worthy to hold the priesthood and make temple covenants." No doubt about it, this one was from Satan. Yes, the loss of the priesthood in our home and the loss of my sealing to my husband has been hard. But, as the Savior promises, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I should be devastated by the excommunication but I am not. I am learning that it is a necessary step in restoring my husband to full health and worthiness.
4. "In comparison to the rest of your lives together, this time of trial will be short. In the meantime, know that there are unseen angels everywhere, holding you up and pushing you along." Yep, another one from the Lord. That should be obvious right? What peace these thoughts bring. My husband and I have an eternity to spend together. Yes, this trial is hard but I have the hope that one day we can look back on it and be grateful for the way it changed our lives and our eternity.
5. "How could he cheat on you with three other women? He doesn't really care about you. There is something wrong with him." This one was my overwhelming thought in the first few weeks and it is certainly from Satan. Part of it was true. There was something wrong with my husband. It wasn't until I set about to learn more about his addiction that I could stop obsessing about this thought and gain some understanding. I have discovered that gaining knowledge through prayer, books, talks and therapy are some of the best ways to combat the adversary.
6. "Stop being so positive. When this eventually fails, you will look like such a fool." Any guesses as to where this one came from? Truth be told, I still have that worry from time to time. I don't want to sound too confident when talking to my bishop, parents, friends because what if it fails? This again is the adversary talking and I need to continue to work on this. I want my husband to feel like I have confidence in him and that I don't doubt his ability to do this. It is hard sometimes to do that though since all of this is still so fresh and new.
7. "Your husband will once again be worthy to take you to the temple. Only this time, he will finally feel worthy to be there." This one is pretty easy. My husband has never really felt worthy to be at the temple because his sins had never been properly repented of by full disclosure to the Bishop or Stake President. I am excited for that day. It is still 22 months away but it is coming.
8. "You are going to war. You are taking on the adversary himself but rest assured, you have the most powerful being in the universe on your side." This one came to me right after my husband revealed that his addiction had led him to be with three women, not just the one that he initially told me about. Surprisingly, at that moment, I didn't cry or scream. Instead, I felt an intense anger at the adversary and an overwhelming feeling of going to war. It was empowering and I know it came from the Lord.
So, there you go. There are so many more and thankfully, my list of promptings from my Heavenly Father is twice as long as my list of thoughts from the adversary. I am at war. Some days, Satan gains the upper hand...particularly if I don't chase those bad thoughts away. But when I let those peaceful loving thoughts from the Lord fill my head, my day is so much better. I am working hard to let the Lord in and keep the adversary out.