This is going to be a short and sweet post but I am overwhelmed right now with a mixture of feelings that I just need to share. We just got word that a week from this Sunday, my husband will have his concluding "council" and it will be determined whether or not he will be able to be rebaptized. I have been asked to attend this time to share my side of the story and to act as a witness. I am SO SCARED! If any of you have gone through this, please tell me what to expect?!!
Here's why I am scared.
Number one: I don't want to have to face those men. My husband faced his friends on that high council in complete and total humility and shame one year ago this Sunday. I have imagined how that meeting must have gone without ever fully knowing because I was outside, nervously waiting...not wanting to even look one of those men in the eyes. (I remember as we sat there waiting for the verdict, one of the high councilmen had to excuse himself to use the restroom. He is our neighbor and our kids play together all the time. He passed us as we sat in the foyer and I will never forget how he glanced at us and quickly looked away, hastening his walk to get away from us as fast as possible. It was so sad.) This time, I get to sit in that room and look at all fifteen of them. My heart races just thinking about it.
Number two: Our Stake President thinks that it is going to be a good outcome and he assures us that he wouldn't call the court if he wasn't certain that it would be a good result. Even though he says that, my fearful mind wonders, "What if something happens? What if they bring us back in to the room and tell us that we have to wait ANOTHER 12 months?" I know what will happen...I will fall apart for a while but we will accept the verdict. I just don't want more heartache so I am hoping and praying that those fifteen men can listen to the spirit and can understand how far we've come in a year.
Number three: Once the council decides that it is okay for my husband to be rebaptized, it has to go to the First Presidency for approval. Of course, that is another set of people that hold our fate in their hands. What if they say "no?" I HATE this whole process. I hate that we can't do anything until up to 20 different men agree on our fate. I know that this is the process and I support it fully. It is just hard to feel so helpless when you are the one going through it.
I want to be 100% confident that this is going to go well and that within a month, my husband will re-enter the waters of baptism. (Of course, this is just a baby step. He doesn't get the Priesthood back or his temple blessings back for at least another year.) But, it is hard to feel that confidence when so much has gone badly this last year. I have had to accept disappointment, heartache and humiliation this year on a scale that I've never before known. It's hard to imagine that there won't be more of that as we move forward. But, that is just my pessimistic, damaged self talking. Please pray for us friends, if you wouldn't mind!