Broken things

(Her story)

So much chaos has resulted from this addiction.  So much breaking.  The breaking of our temple covenants.  The breaking of my trust.  The breaking of my self esteem.  The breaking of associations with others as they now don't know how to interact with you.  The breaking of the Laws of God.  The breaking of my sanity as images and worries torture me day and night. The breaking of me, and ultimately, the breaking of my husband.  We have both been utterly broken as a result of pornography, sexual addiction and adultery. 

I was having a particularly rough weekend recently and I remember weeping in my husband's arms saying, "I'm just so tired.  I want to be done."  I am tired.  I want this process to be finished.  I want to know what the end result will be.  

We attended my nephew's baptism last Saturday and it was a traumatizing experience.  The place was packed with husbands and wives, watching their children or nieces or nephews or friends getting baptized.  In turn, groups of worthy Priesthood holders stood and gathered around the child getting confirmed to perform that ordinance.  Meanwhile, the spouses of those husbands quietly sat with smiles on their faces, content in knowing that their husbands are worthy to use their priesthood.  Their  husbands have been faithful.  Their temple covenants are intact. They have no reason to think otherwise.  Meanwhile, our family sat in the back, observing (while I quietly wept).  How did we get here?  Knowing that we would soon face our own daughter's baptism and knowing that my husband would have to sit on the sidelines while others perform that ordinance brought my feeling of being "Broken" to the front of my mind.  

In my agony this week, the Lord led me to a chapter in a book written by Jeffrey R. Holland.  The book is called "For Times of Trouble."  He quotes Psalms 34:18 which says, "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."  He then said some things that resonated with me.

First..."Sometimes the events of life can damage our highest hopes and dreams.  (YEP)  Some of our sweetest possessions and most cherished ideals end up being bruised (yes), and sometimes they are broken."  (double yes).  This pretty much describes my life right now.

Second..."In several circumstances we truly feel "like a broken vessel;" we are certain that, as with Humpty Dumpty, all the kings horses and all the kings men will never be able to put us together again."  (After eight months of this trial and the suffering that accompanies it, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be whole again.)

Third..."But someone wrote once that God apparently loves--and turns to our benefit, broken things.  It may be that among all the broken things God loves, He loves the broken  heart the most of all.  So when our day of sacrifice comes...and perhaps sorrow will come with it...be trusting and be believing.  Know that God will accept your offering and that, through the great miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will give your heart back to you healed and whole.  By His grace and the goodness of God, all broken vessels are fully repaired."

So, I am giving God my broken and very contrite heart.  I am giving him my broken life.  I am giving Him my broken hopes and dreams.  I am giving Him my broken trust.  I am giving Him my broken covenants.  I know that my husband has already turned his broken-ness over to the Lord and for that, I am grateful.  I need to have faith that all of this suffering and disappointment will be fixed for my good, for my husband's good, and for my children's good and that just like the seed that has to be utterly obliterated before it can grow into a flower, my obliterated heart can be repaired and turned into something even more beautiful than it was before.