Dear Addi

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Separation and reunion

(her story)
I survived!  After six months since discovery, we had our first "separation" from each other and it was successful.  I attended my husband's family reunion in Nauvoo last week.  Husband had to work so he couldn't go (and he wasn't particularly anxious to share with his family his status and have it be fodder for gossip the whole week.)  So, I took my older three children and he kept the younger two.  I was nervous.  Would he be good?  Could I trust that he wouldn't revert back to his old ways and addiction?  He would have long hours of alone time at night when the little kids were in bed.  Would he stay faithful?  I was having so much anxiety over it that I asked my Bishop for a blessing.  In that blessing he reassured me that everything would be well at home and that I had no need to worry.  The blessing helped, but I still worried.

I did one thing before I left that I think helped me (and him) a lot.  I wrote him eight for each day, detailing one quality that I LOVE about him.  The subjects included, his personality, his love for his family, his courage to face this addiction finally and the way that he has treated me in the last six months.  He could only open one each day until I got home.  This did two things for me.  First, it gave me a chance to think about and write about the things that I adore about my husband.  It made me appreciate him so much more.  Second, it gave me some comfort that each day he was reminded that he is loved.  Perhaps feeling that love would keep Satan and his self destructing thoughts at bay.  It seemed to work.   Two days after I left, I received this letter from him:

I have been having an amazing day at church.  I just want to tell you again and again how much I love you.
I sat alone in the bench today with the 2 little girls and all I could think of is how close I came to being losing you.  I almost gave up the most important thing in my life.

You know the saying. ..absence makes the heart grow fonder?  I miss you so much today. Waking up alone, sleeping alone, spending my day waiting to go home to a house without you. ... all of it could have been my reality. ...

But you saved me. ...
You saved our marriage. ..
You saved our family. ...
I miss you and love you so much. ..

Please be extra safe.  I can't stand the thought of losing you now that I finally am seeing, and learning about, and loving you through clear, fog free eyes.

My family loves you.and you have no need to fear.  They will be kind and loving and protective.  As for you,  you have nothing to be ashamed of.  There is no shame in knowing that the Lord is actively leading us in our lives. There is no shame in feeling His love and comfort through trial.

I love you Victoria. .. always. . And forever more.

I wish I had thought to write you a daily letter.  That is such a neat thing to look forward too each day.  I have to say that there is a huge temptation to just read them all. .. but. .I promise. . No cheating!

Please. ..  Please. .. Please. .. remember. .. that my repentance is sincere and real. I am in this is ..1000000000%

I never want to be alone in that pew or bed without you. .. not for more than a few days.  I realize how closely my happiness and serenity is tied to you.

If only I had figured that out sooner.
I love you. . With every tiny muscle of my heart.  Know and trust that I am being good because I really am.
I love you.  I love you. . I love you. .. I love you.

So, we did it!  We made it through and now when he leaves for work, it is easier for me to trust that he is being 100% good.  Oh sure, there are still those little nagging thoughts and doubts but I am trying to push them away unless there is evidence that he is not being honest with me. So far, I have seen nothing that can't be easily explained.  So, today....I am happy.  I feel like this was a huge step in our healing and in the deepening of our commitment to one another.

Oh yeah....and he met me at the airport with a big bouquet of roses!  


  1. I'm glad to hear things went well :-) My best friend did that for me last year when he went home for a week. I was having trouble staying "clean" and he knew he would be busy enough that we wouldn't really get to talk while he was gone and he was a bit worried. So when I dropped him off at the airport, he pulled out all these envelopes and told me I could only read one a day and he wrote about some of the different qualities he sees in me. It helped me to stay strong and reminded me of his care and love for me. I still hold on to those letters and read them often. I think it was a great idea for you to do! This whole post makes me smile :-) I hope things continue to go well

  2. I just wanted to write and thank you for sharing your experiences. My husband and I are going through the same thing- pornography addiction which lead to casual sexual encounters for the past 8 years of our marriage. I too was oblivious until things reached a point where he couldn't hide the lies anymore. We are facing a stake council in the next few weeks. Your words and willingness to share are so appreciated by both my husband and I. We sat here in tears reading your posts. They hit so close to home. It is so comforting to read about a "success" story from another coupe who is of our faith and has had so many of the same difficult and wonderful experiences as part of this process. We too know that our Savior can take this pain and change both of our hearts. Good luck and blessings to both of you. Thank you thank you thank you!