I had a strange moment today. Halfway through the day, I got a call from our stake executive secretary and he asked if I had time to come in tomorrow and meet with President H. I absolutely had a meltdown. Why? Well, President H. took Jason's place in the Stake Presidency after his excommunication. I DO NOT WANT to meet with him. I have an unrighteous resentment towards him that I realized today still rages. I know that sounds weird. He has done nothing wrong. He didn’t ask for this calling and he probably didn’t even want it. But, it was thrust upon him because my husband wasn’t worthy of that calling anymore.
Here is where I have an issue...and it’s not just a little issue. It’s a big one. Because of what has happened, I have lost so much. Some of the things that I have lost involve my relationships and experiences as a wife of a member of the Stake Presidency. I used to be great friends with the wives of the presidency, having meals together and long chats after Stake Conference. Those associations have been taken from me and President and Sister H. now get those experiences. My friendships are not the same with those women because we no longer have the presidency in common. Now, they look on me with pity...some of them not sure what to say. It hurts me so.
So, President H. represents the guy that sits in my husband’s spot. He and his wife get to have those experiences and relationships and I don’t anymore. Furthermore, he gets to finish out my husband’s term. He will faithfully serve for the next six years in the spot that my husband should be sitting in. It is so painful to even be around him. I know it’s not fair and I hate that I feel such animosity for him but I do. I have a desperate need to repent of my feelings but don't feel like I can do that yet.
I called Jason and just wept. He reminded me that we are trying to do everything 100% and that includes accepting callings from the very man that I can’t stand to be near. I hope I can do this. I hope I can accept whatever calling (clearly a stake calling) that they feel I can handle at this time in my life.
I feel like the Lord is slowly laying some of the burdens that He has been carrying for me back onto my shoulders. Suddenly, He is asking me to face one of my biggest triggers….President H. Perhaps He feels like I am ready to carry some of those things on my own finally. I am not sure I am ready. I would prefer that He just carry them for me forever.