'The Anatomy of a Slip' - What the heck is he thinking?

New Dear Addi Post!!

'Addi' breaks down the 'Anatomy of a Slip'

What goes through an addicts mind before, during and after a slip?

Follow this link to read the newest post!!!

Dear Addi Personal Update!

A Personal Update from "Dear Addi" has Just been posted. You can Check it out here.

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/

Equal Priesthood time!

(His story)

I just posted step 8 in "How do I help my wife Heal."  It's called...Make sure she gets time with her priesthood leaders too!  You can find it here:

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/2015/12/step-8-in-how-do-i-help-my-wife.html

I have written it from the perspective of me...the husband, trying to help his wife heal.  This can also apply if the roles are reversed.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Dear 'Addi', Step 7 in Helping Wives Heal - Make New Memories!

It has been  several months, but my husband has finally found time to sit back down and answer some questions again. His next  2 posts will be to finish up the series he has written called 'How can I help My wife heal?'.

In the next few days he will be returning to answering questions submitted to him about Pornography addiction from his perspective as an addict in recovery. His first post will be titled, 'The anatomy of a slip'. In this post he has dug deep into the process of a slip to better understand the stages an addicts mind goes through as he progresses from firm to faltering. 

Please feel free to send him your questions, read the answers to previous questions, or to add your own 2 cents to his. 

Here is the newest post. 

Dear 'Addi', How can I help My wife Heal Step 7, Make New Memories!

Thanks for reading!

Halloween Haunts

So, two years ago, my husband's future mistress showed up at our home for trick or treating, not knowing that he lived there.  Since they had only exchanged pictures and messages on line, the two of them were shocked to see each other face to face that night.  (I of course was oblivious).  The physical affair started the next day.  Now that I know this, Halloween has for the last 2 years been a huge trigger.

This year, I woke up in the morning with a huge knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest.  I wanted to blame it all on the Halloween candy that I had been gorging on all day but I knew it wasn't that.  These anniversaries are so hard sometimes. This year, I went to our adult session of Stake Conference at night (they held it early so that parents could get home to trick or treat with their kids) and my husband left extra early to get our house ready.

When I came home from the Conference,  Jason was visibly shaken.  I just KNEW that she had stopped by our house.  She always trick or treats in our neighborhood with her children but last year, she stayed clear of our home.  (We think...we saw her kids, just not her)  She must be feeling extra bold this year as she and her kids were one of the first to stop by our house.  Jason said he walked outside to check on the candy and there she was, in the clear daylight, standing in front of our house.  He was so angry.  Sure, she has a right to trick or treat anywhere she wants, but common sense and a sense of courtesy say you don't make your first stop your affair partner's home as he is trying to put his family and marriage back together.

To his credit, Jason grabbed the younger kids and bolted down the driveway in the opposite direction to go trick or treating.  Though they saw each other, no words were exchanged and he later told me that he felt "repulsed" when he saw her.  I know that is a harsh way to talk about a daughter of God, but it made me glad.  To relieve some of the tension, we grabbed our little ones, grabbed each other's hand and marched back out into the neighborhood to finish the trick or treating.  If she was going to see him again, she was going to see him hand in hand with me!

This whole incident was a very bizarre beginning to this, the 2nd anniversary of the worst 2 months of my life.  How fitting that on the day of the 2 year anniversary, she shows her face.   Is this indicative of what the next 2 months will be like?  I know we are gearing up for the big finish (though not really a finish)...the 2 year conclusion of his excommunication and loss of priesthood/temple blessings and I just hope that as Satan throws more fiery darts our way, that we don't get derailed.  Here's to the added strength that I pray we are both getting from Heaven!

Becoming a "Master"

I read this quote the other day on Facebook.  I'm not sure who said it but it goes like this:  "The master has failed more times then the beginner has even tried."  How does that apply to me?  How does it apply to my husband?  In truth, finding that quote came at a really good time.  My husband has begun to get discouraged that the battle to stay clean is sometimes just as hard today (20 months later) as it was on day one.

How many times does he get triggered in a 24  hour period?  He no longer tells me because it makes me worry.  I know he wishes that with repentace,  this burden would have been removed from him.  I know now that that may never happen.  The truth is, this addiction may never fully go away...in fact, it probably won't.  It has festered and grown for too many years to just be eliminated overnight.  And that is where that quote comes in.

My husband has had several "slips" since his rebaptism.  Some have been minor and some have been full blown, addict behavior slips. They have each been intensely painful to us both but for him, the slips have also been learning tools.  He tells me that with each slip, he learns something new about himself and his weaknesses. Now, I'm not saying that slips are good and that they should be sought after...but if they are used as a learning tool, they can be helpful.  In order to "master" something, we have to fail...numerous times.

That principle goes for me too.  I still have moments when my thoughts get away from me.  I ask myself..."Could I have done anything different?" or, "If I only would have followed my instincts sooner, perhaps the affairs wouldn't have gone on for as long as they did."  I catch myself wanting to feel that pain again, to open up old wounds, to berate myself, to look in the mirror and call myself ugly.  When the images that once tormented me pop into my mind, sometimes, I let them stay.  When those images are allowed to stay, that old pain returns and instead of chasing it away, I wallow in it for a while.  Those moments are slips for me.  I become like Lot's wife...experiencing the damaging consequences of "looking back."  But, just as my husband learns from his slips, I learn from mine.

By the time I am past this trial, I am truly going to be a "Master" at trauma..not because I am good at handling it..but because I have failed so many times, that I have learned what to do and what not to do.  I hope that instead of having this addiction removed,  the Lord will instead (through failure) help my husband become a "master" at recovery.  Had my husband just decided on DDay that that was it...he was done and was never going to mess up again, what would he have learned? If I had decided after DDay that I was just going to forget about it, forgive and move on, what would I have learned?  It is through the struggle, the failure, the low moments that we learn the most.  The knowledge that I have gained through my bad days has so outweighed the knowledge that I have gained in my carefree ones.  

May we all become "masters" at recovery...not because we have won every battle but because we have learned from the ones we have lost.
 

Weakness or Strength?

Josh Duggar Story

Is "Staying" a sign of weakness?  This Josh Duggar scandal is driving me crazy.  When I read the stories, I scroll down to the comments and am reminded why I should never view the comments.  Every one of them is either calling Josh a "deviant" or calling his wife the "uneducated, submissive wife that has to stay because she has no other options."  When I read these comments encouraging Anna to leave Josh immediately and that she would be a fool to stay with him, I get so triggered!  I have immense compassion for Anna because my story is now hers.  Every discovery about her husband's on line accounts and recurring affairs is my story exactly.  Affairs, fake identities, meaningless hook ups...it is all a sign of the horrible disease that is sex addiction.  I've seen it all, felt it all and I have chosen to forgive it all and save my marriage.

Does that make me weak?  Does that make me submissive?  Does that mean that I am an uneducated simpleton that can't make it on my own without my husband's income?  I say no and I am guessing that most of my fellow WOPA bloggers would agree.  I would guess that the majority of us (whether it be porn addiction or sex addiction) have chosen to stay and try and work things out.  Granted, not all of it is in our control.  Many husbands aren't willing to do the hard work of recovery and choose their addiction over their family and if that is what Josh chooses, then yes, Anna...get out. But if Josh is willing to repent and do the hard work of both recovery and helping Anna heal, then she is not weak for staying.  She is powerful.

I am trying to remember that today.