(His story)
Hey friends! I just got another question from a good brother that is facing his church court in a few weeks. When I wrote him back, I decided that this might make a good "Dear Addi" post. It is in three parts. Hope this helps anyone out there going through the same process or the spouse that is watching her loved one go through the process.
http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/
Friday, August 29, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Afraid to Heal
(her story)
It's been almost eight months. Eight months since my world fundamentally changed for better and for worse. We have been through so much in eight months....an excommunication, the loss of blessings, the gaining of other blessings that we hadn't anticipated, hours and hours of painful conversation, a re-routing of our life's path, a few separations (vacations apart due to work), happy reunions, tears and laughter. I knew going into this year that it was going to be an up and down one and I was right. I wake up each morning and wonder what I will be feeling.
I feel like I am at a decision point right now in my life. I CANNOT go back and change what has been done. I can't erase the lies. I can't erase the affairs. I can't somehow magically erase my husband's mind of the intimate encounters that were not with me. I wish I could erase my mind of those self created images but I seem to be unable to. I can't go back and do those 17 years over again without the secret addiction. Though I wish I could, I can't. So, where do I go from here?
I am tired folks! I am tired of waking up with images and thoughts that hurt me to the very core. I am tired of crying out to my Heavenly Father to just "take me Home." I am tired of hurting my husband with the same questions, hoping that somehow, this time, his answers will make me feel better. I am tired of wondering how, if he really did love me, he could do this to me. I am tired. I gave a talk yesterday in church and I used something that Job said. He said, "My soul is weary of my life." I feel that way. Though my body is healthy and strong, my spirit is tired and wounded. It is weary. Sometimes I feel like if I see one more raunchy billboard or hear one more vile swear word or see one more sex scene on TV, that my soul will shrivel up and die.
But, I can't leave. I can't go "home." I have a husband that is really working hard to make things up to our family and restore what's been lost. I have innocent children that didn't ask for any of this and deserve a happy, two parent home. In my good moments, I feel like I have a mission to perform still on this earth. Though returning to my heavenly home sounds so wonderful, I can't.
So, knowing that I have many, many more years here on this earth, can I really allow myself to feel this miserable for the rest of them? Why can't I just allow myself to heal and let go? I plead every day with the Lord to just remove the hurt. That is the only thing that I can change about the situation. I can't remove the acts and the memories but I can change how I feel about them. That is hard to do and quite frankly, I think I'm afraid to do it.
What if he betrays me again? What if he comes to me someday and tells me that he has never rid himself of this addiction but has just hid it from me better? What if, what if...what if? If the wound is still opened and bleeding, then another wound won't hurt so bad right? If my wounds are all healed and just scar tissue remains, to reopen those wounds with further betrayal will destroy me. So, why not leave the wounds open, just in case?
The problem with that way of thinking is that it makes me continuously miserable. It makes my children miserable because mom's not happy. It makes my husband miserable because he hurts when I hurt. None of us can truly heal unless I can. So I NEED to. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to run wild. I need to stop deliberately creating visions of my husband with his affair partners. I need to stop reliving the past and start looking to the future. I need to stop feeling inadequate when my husband and I are intimate. I need to stop trying to make myself something that I am not to try and "compete" with his affair partner. I need to continue to ask the Lord to help the pain lesson. I need to trust that even if this all happens again (which it probably won't), that the Lord will take care of me. I need to remember that the Lord wants my family to be eternal again just as much as I do. I need to trust that He is watching over us and is helping. There is so much I need to let go of.
I know....all of that is easier said than done. When you are sorting through a trauma that is the magnitude of the one that I have been given, it is hard. I find myself wanting to feel the pain of each and every act. I want the details of each and every act. I want his thoughts about each and every act. Though that may be normal, I am finding that it is not helpful. It just prolongs my pain. If I can't go back in time and change it, why obsess about it? I need to allow myself to feel better. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of the ache. So, here I sit...at eight months post DDay...finally deciding that it is time to heal. I know it is going to take time. I know that healing will not be automatic or painless but I need to start. I need to let those gaping wounds finally close. I need to stop the bleeding. I'll always have scars. I know that. But, thankfully, scars don't usually continue to hurt. I can live with scars.
If any of you women that are further along in this process than I am have any advice as to how to finally allow yourself to heal, please comment. I am not sure how to go about it, I just know that I need to! Thanks for reading.
It's been almost eight months. Eight months since my world fundamentally changed for better and for worse. We have been through so much in eight months....an excommunication, the loss of blessings, the gaining of other blessings that we hadn't anticipated, hours and hours of painful conversation, a re-routing of our life's path, a few separations (vacations apart due to work), happy reunions, tears and laughter. I knew going into this year that it was going to be an up and down one and I was right. I wake up each morning and wonder what I will be feeling.
I feel like I am at a decision point right now in my life. I CANNOT go back and change what has been done. I can't erase the lies. I can't erase the affairs. I can't somehow magically erase my husband's mind of the intimate encounters that were not with me. I wish I could erase my mind of those self created images but I seem to be unable to. I can't go back and do those 17 years over again without the secret addiction. Though I wish I could, I can't. So, where do I go from here?
I am tired folks! I am tired of waking up with images and thoughts that hurt me to the very core. I am tired of crying out to my Heavenly Father to just "take me Home." I am tired of hurting my husband with the same questions, hoping that somehow, this time, his answers will make me feel better. I am tired of wondering how, if he really did love me, he could do this to me. I am tired. I gave a talk yesterday in church and I used something that Job said. He said, "My soul is weary of my life." I feel that way. Though my body is healthy and strong, my spirit is tired and wounded. It is weary. Sometimes I feel like if I see one more raunchy billboard or hear one more vile swear word or see one more sex scene on TV, that my soul will shrivel up and die.
But, I can't leave. I can't go "home." I have a husband that is really working hard to make things up to our family and restore what's been lost. I have innocent children that didn't ask for any of this and deserve a happy, two parent home. In my good moments, I feel like I have a mission to perform still on this earth. Though returning to my heavenly home sounds so wonderful, I can't.
So, knowing that I have many, many more years here on this earth, can I really allow myself to feel this miserable for the rest of them? Why can't I just allow myself to heal and let go? I plead every day with the Lord to just remove the hurt. That is the only thing that I can change about the situation. I can't remove the acts and the memories but I can change how I feel about them. That is hard to do and quite frankly, I think I'm afraid to do it.
What if he betrays me again? What if he comes to me someday and tells me that he has never rid himself of this addiction but has just hid it from me better? What if, what if...what if? If the wound is still opened and bleeding, then another wound won't hurt so bad right? If my wounds are all healed and just scar tissue remains, to reopen those wounds with further betrayal will destroy me. So, why not leave the wounds open, just in case?
The problem with that way of thinking is that it makes me continuously miserable. It makes my children miserable because mom's not happy. It makes my husband miserable because he hurts when I hurt. None of us can truly heal unless I can. So I NEED to. I need to stop allowing my thoughts to run wild. I need to stop deliberately creating visions of my husband with his affair partners. I need to stop reliving the past and start looking to the future. I need to stop feeling inadequate when my husband and I are intimate. I need to stop trying to make myself something that I am not to try and "compete" with his affair partner. I need to continue to ask the Lord to help the pain lesson. I need to trust that even if this all happens again (which it probably won't), that the Lord will take care of me. I need to remember that the Lord wants my family to be eternal again just as much as I do. I need to trust that He is watching over us and is helping. There is so much I need to let go of.
I know....all of that is easier said than done. When you are sorting through a trauma that is the magnitude of the one that I have been given, it is hard. I find myself wanting to feel the pain of each and every act. I want the details of each and every act. I want his thoughts about each and every act. Though that may be normal, I am finding that it is not helpful. It just prolongs my pain. If I can't go back in time and change it, why obsess about it? I need to allow myself to feel better. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of the ache. So, here I sit...at eight months post DDay...finally deciding that it is time to heal. I know it is going to take time. I know that healing will not be automatic or painless but I need to start. I need to let those gaping wounds finally close. I need to stop the bleeding. I'll always have scars. I know that. But, thankfully, scars don't usually continue to hurt. I can live with scars.
If any of you women that are further along in this process than I am have any advice as to how to finally allow yourself to heal, please comment. I am not sure how to go about it, I just know that I need to! Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Isn't it about "Time"?
It has been quite a while since I have posted anything. Life has become all consuming as of late. In my work, summers are always the busiest time of year. As a result, my blogging activities have become nonexistent. So, I felt that I should jump in with a quick post and an update on how I, and more importantly, my wife and family are doing.
We are now working on 8 months since "D" day. I have never been more focused on anything in my life. Being busy helps. Down time can be dangerous for an addict. It has also been 8 months of sobriety. That is something I am very proud of. In the past 8 months I have made my weekly sojourn to the Addiction recovery program provided by the LDS church. About an hour north of where we live, there is a class specifically geared to addicts of Pornography. So, once a week we drive an hour north and an hour back to be a part of a truly inspired program. Going to this class recharges me.
In our last visit to the stake president we were told that he sees no reason why we wouldn't be able to reconvene a council at exactly 1 year. For this I am grateful. I won't go into all the reasons for my gratitude, as I plan to write a post soon about life as an excommunicated member but, let me simply say.... the next 4 months can not pass quickly enough.
We have spent a lot of time talking about the passage of time. We often say time heals. We watch the clock wishing it would move faster. Sometimes we just want time to leap forward. We have been promised healing with the passage of time and we anxiously wait for it to finally arrive. Emotions and feelings are still raw. We are each fighting different battles. Mine for the longest time has been to fight the flashes of thought or memories or temptations. On this front I can say that time has helped them to greatly subside They have been replaced with flashes of guilt and shame and anger at myself. It is a different kind of pain and a different kind of guilt then before. It is a heavy hurting guilt. A guilt for what i have done to my wife. It is the guilt of my own betrayal.
Somehow I have managed to lock it down inside when it comes up. I prefer feeling nothing to feeling the shame from my past. I am fairly good at blocking out those shameful feelings but the question I have now is.... should I? My wife sometimes feels hurt because her pain is still so present, still so magnified and her flashes of thoughts are dangerously vivid. The betrayal is so real to her and then, she sees me and I seem to be simply taking it in stride. I appear to be handling it with ease and it causes her to question if I am really hurting at all.
I am learning that I need to allow myself to lift the wall I have built and to actually feel all the hurt and shame... and not just in my secret private moments, but in her presence. I need her to see that I am battling hard and that the pain is real for me too. Mine is the pain of one who wishes he had never caused any of this hurt while hers is the pain of one who is dealing with the most intimate betrayal of her life.
This is a really hard process.....
However, we are both dedicated to it and despite everything, I feel closer to my wife, my children, and my Savior than ever before. I hate the way we got to where we are. I hate to see her suffer and I hate being the cause of her pain but I know that it's only hottest in the middle of the fire. I know that the refining can't happen if I am sitting on the side line and so, through the fire we walk hand in hand.
I also know that there is a point during the process where if you leave the precious metal in the fire too long, it begins to lose value. There is a perfect point when the master smelter knows that the precious metal has reached the exact heat needed and then, He pulls it out of the fire, leaving it pure... and refined. He will not ask us to suffer more than is necessary and so, with hope and faith, we press forward into the heat.
Speaking of time, we have decide to take the terms that are reference to time and change them. We all know that BC typically means "Before Christ," and AD stands for "Anno Domini." (The year of our Lord) We have decided to use those same Abbreviations in relation to my Addiction and recovery. BC still stands for, "Before Christ." It does so because I was living my life without him. I had no relationship with him. I was lost and wandering and seeking the Shepherd but I placed a chasm of sin and selfishness between us. If I'm being truly honest, I went out of my way to avoid Him for I knew I could never come to Him in sincerity... not with all the sin I was carrying and hiding.
AD Stands for "After Deliverance" because that is what happened when I finally turned it all over to Him. My confession and repentance has helped me have a true change of heart and opened the door for my Rescuer and Deliverer to step inside. He has shown me that healing can happen. He has helped me see that the lies and despair and loss that Satan threw in my face day after day were nothing but half truths and manipulation. He has set me free from my self imposed chains.
So again, I return to time. It is our friend as well as our enemy. I have wasted so much time on worthless damaging habits. Idle time can truly be a curse. Time wasted in secrecy and deceit only serve to tighten the chains with which we are bound. However, the successful passage of time can be our hope and strength. Time spent driving 2 hours each week for support in a 12 step group, time spent helping my family to heal, or time spent inviting others to come unto Christ help to keep the conduit to the spirit open and accessible. Time is of course one of the sacrifices that he requires from us. But if time spent in the refiner's fire as an offering, can help me and my family find healing and strength, than it is a sacrifice that we are willing to give. Of course the blessing that comes... the true reward.... is that we will eventually come to a place that is no longer defined by time at all but simply referred to as eternity. That is our focus. That is our Goal.
We are now working on 8 months since "D" day. I have never been more focused on anything in my life. Being busy helps. Down time can be dangerous for an addict. It has also been 8 months of sobriety. That is something I am very proud of. In the past 8 months I have made my weekly sojourn to the Addiction recovery program provided by the LDS church. About an hour north of where we live, there is a class specifically geared to addicts of Pornography. So, once a week we drive an hour north and an hour back to be a part of a truly inspired program. Going to this class recharges me.
In our last visit to the stake president we were told that he sees no reason why we wouldn't be able to reconvene a council at exactly 1 year. For this I am grateful. I won't go into all the reasons for my gratitude, as I plan to write a post soon about life as an excommunicated member but, let me simply say.... the next 4 months can not pass quickly enough.
We have spent a lot of time talking about the passage of time. We often say time heals. We watch the clock wishing it would move faster. Sometimes we just want time to leap forward. We have been promised healing with the passage of time and we anxiously wait for it to finally arrive. Emotions and feelings are still raw. We are each fighting different battles. Mine for the longest time has been to fight the flashes of thought or memories or temptations. On this front I can say that time has helped them to greatly subside They have been replaced with flashes of guilt and shame and anger at myself. It is a different kind of pain and a different kind of guilt then before. It is a heavy hurting guilt. A guilt for what i have done to my wife. It is the guilt of my own betrayal.
Somehow I have managed to lock it down inside when it comes up. I prefer feeling nothing to feeling the shame from my past. I am fairly good at blocking out those shameful feelings but the question I have now is.... should I? My wife sometimes feels hurt because her pain is still so present, still so magnified and her flashes of thoughts are dangerously vivid. The betrayal is so real to her and then, she sees me and I seem to be simply taking it in stride. I appear to be handling it with ease and it causes her to question if I am really hurting at all.
I am learning that I need to allow myself to lift the wall I have built and to actually feel all the hurt and shame... and not just in my secret private moments, but in her presence. I need her to see that I am battling hard and that the pain is real for me too. Mine is the pain of one who wishes he had never caused any of this hurt while hers is the pain of one who is dealing with the most intimate betrayal of her life.
This is a really hard process.....
However, we are both dedicated to it and despite everything, I feel closer to my wife, my children, and my Savior than ever before. I hate the way we got to where we are. I hate to see her suffer and I hate being the cause of her pain but I know that it's only hottest in the middle of the fire. I know that the refining can't happen if I am sitting on the side line and so, through the fire we walk hand in hand.
I also know that there is a point during the process where if you leave the precious metal in the fire too long, it begins to lose value. There is a perfect point when the master smelter knows that the precious metal has reached the exact heat needed and then, He pulls it out of the fire, leaving it pure... and refined. He will not ask us to suffer more than is necessary and so, with hope and faith, we press forward into the heat.
Speaking of time, we have decide to take the terms that are reference to time and change them. We all know that BC typically means "Before Christ," and AD stands for "Anno Domini." (The year of our Lord) We have decided to use those same Abbreviations in relation to my Addiction and recovery. BC still stands for, "Before Christ." It does so because I was living my life without him. I had no relationship with him. I was lost and wandering and seeking the Shepherd but I placed a chasm of sin and selfishness between us. If I'm being truly honest, I went out of my way to avoid Him for I knew I could never come to Him in sincerity... not with all the sin I was carrying and hiding.
AD Stands for "After Deliverance" because that is what happened when I finally turned it all over to Him. My confession and repentance has helped me have a true change of heart and opened the door for my Rescuer and Deliverer to step inside. He has shown me that healing can happen. He has helped me see that the lies and despair and loss that Satan threw in my face day after day were nothing but half truths and manipulation. He has set me free from my self imposed chains.
So again, I return to time. It is our friend as well as our enemy. I have wasted so much time on worthless damaging habits. Idle time can truly be a curse. Time wasted in secrecy and deceit only serve to tighten the chains with which we are bound. However, the successful passage of time can be our hope and strength. Time spent driving 2 hours each week for support in a 12 step group, time spent helping my family to heal, or time spent inviting others to come unto Christ help to keep the conduit to the spirit open and accessible. Time is of course one of the sacrifices that he requires from us. But if time spent in the refiner's fire as an offering, can help me and my family find healing and strength, than it is a sacrifice that we are willing to give. Of course the blessing that comes... the true reward.... is that we will eventually come to a place that is no longer defined by time at all but simply referred to as eternity. That is our focus. That is our Goal.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Separation and reunion
(her story)
I survived! After six months since discovery, we had our first "separation" from each other and it was successful. I attended my husband's family reunion in Nauvoo last week. Husband had to work so he couldn't go (and he wasn't particularly anxious to share with his family his status and have it be fodder for gossip the whole week.) So, I took my older three children and he kept the younger two. I was nervous. Would he be good? Could I trust that he wouldn't revert back to his old ways and addiction? He would have long hours of alone time at night when the little kids were in bed. Would he stay faithful? I was having so much anxiety over it that I asked my Bishop for a blessing. In that blessing he reassured me that everything would be well at home and that I had no need to worry. The blessing helped, but I still worried.
I survived! After six months since discovery, we had our first "separation" from each other and it was successful. I attended my husband's family reunion in Nauvoo last week. Husband had to work so he couldn't go (and he wasn't particularly anxious to share with his family his status and have it be fodder for gossip the whole week.) So, I took my older three children and he kept the younger two. I was nervous. Would he be good? Could I trust that he wouldn't revert back to his old ways and addiction? He would have long hours of alone time at night when the little kids were in bed. Would he stay faithful? I was having so much anxiety over it that I asked my Bishop for a blessing. In that blessing he reassured me that everything would be well at home and that I had no need to worry. The blessing helped, but I still worried.
I did one thing before I left that I think helped me (and him) a lot. I wrote him eight letters...one for each day, detailing one quality that I LOVE about him. The subjects included, his personality, his love for his family, his courage to face this addiction finally and the way that he has treated me in the last six months. He could only open one each day until I got home. This did two things for me. First, it gave me a chance to think about and write about the things that I adore about my husband. It made me appreciate him so much more. Second, it gave me some comfort that each day he was reminded that he is loved. Perhaps feeling that love would keep Satan and his self destructing thoughts at bay. It seemed to work. Two days after I left, I received this letter from him:
Victoria
.
I have been having an amazing day at church. I just want to tell you again and again how much I love you.
I sat alone in the bench today with the 2 little girls and all I could think of is how close I came to being alone...to losing you. I almost gave up the most important thing in my life.
You know the saying. ..absence makes the heart grow fonder? I miss you so much today. Waking up alone, sleeping alone, spending my day waiting to go home to a house without you. ... all of it could have been my reality. ...
But you saved me. ...
You saved our marriage. ..
You saved our family. ...
I miss you and love you so much. ..
Please be extra safe. I can't stand the thought of losing you now that I finally am seeing, and learning about, and loving you through clear, fog free eyes.
My family loves you.and you have no need to fear. They will be kind and loving and protective. As for you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There is no shame in knowing that the Lord is actively leading us in our lives. There is no shame in feeling His love and comfort through trial.
I love you Victoria. .. always. . And forever more.
I wish I had thought to write you a daily letter. That is such a neat thing to look forward too each day. I have to say that there is a huge temptation to just read them all. .. but. .I promise. . No cheating!
Please. .. Please. .. Please. .. remember. .. that my repentance is sincere and real. I am in this is ..1000000000%
I never want to be alone in that pew or bed without you. .. not for more than a few days. I realize how closely my happiness and serenity is tied to you.
If only I had figured that out sooner.
I love you. . With every tiny muscle of my heart. Know and trust that I am being good because I really am.
.
I love you. I love you. . I love you. .. I love you.
Jason
So, we did it! We made it through and now when he leaves for work, it is easier for me to trust that he is being 100% good. Oh sure, there are still those little nagging thoughts and doubts but I am trying to push them away unless there is evidence that he is not being honest with me. So far, I have seen nothing that can't be easily explained. So, today....I am happy. I feel like this was a huge step in our healing and in the deepening of our commitment to one another.
Oh yeah....and he met me at the airport with a big bouquet of roses!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Excommunication hurts
(her story)
So I have entered a new realm in my healing from my husband's sex addiction and resulting infidelity. The horrible images and feelings that I have been having for he last six months have begun to fade and the hurt that accompanied many of those dark thoughts has lessened dramatically. I can only attribute that healing to the Savior and the Atonement.
Back when my husband's excommunication occurred, it seemed just a necessary sidenote to the bigger problem: his addiction. I knew it should be devastating to me but at the time, it just wasn't. Perhaps the Lord was lifting that heartache for a while as He helped me wade through the bigger, more devastating hurt of adultery and betrayal. Now, the weight and grief of having an excommunicated husband is settling in and can I just say, IT HURTS! I miss the Priesthood in my home. I miss the comforting knowledge that my husband and I are sealed for eternity...because we are not anymore. I am angry that the covenants that I made with my husband on our wedding day are now null and void. (at least temporarily). I hate the gossip and rumors in our Stake. I hate the way some people treat us differently and don't know what to say to us. (Totally understandable by the way...I am not sure how I would react either). Excommunication is kind of a rare thing... in fact, it is the first one (and hopefully only one) to be handled by our current Stake President. It is such a rare thing and yet, it is my family that is going through it. Of all the families in the Stake, why mine?
I found myself getting angry and bitter towards the church last week. I can't even believe that I could say such a thing because my testimony has been unwavering in all other matters. But, as Satan is eager to do, he started to get a hold of my heart. I felt neglected. I felt like our family had been given the sentence of excommunication with all of the loss of blessing that that entails and then told to go on our merry way. There was no explanation as to what would happen to my eternal marriage should my husband die before his blessings are restored. What about the covenants I made on our wedding day? I didn't break them. How long would this process take? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? There really was no explanation to me. And worse, something that was supposed to be a private matter between our family and the High Council was suddenly spread all over the Stake. The feeling of betrayal has been overwhelming. How many of those brethren went home and told their wives despite being told not to? I cried, I raged, I questioned whether this process would just be easier without the excommunication "drama." I even had thoughts (and these truly terrified me) that maybe it would just be easier to quit and repent on our own, without the Gospel. It was at that point that I realized what was happening to me. Satan had taken hold.
I felt like I was in the middle of a great tug of war with Satan on one side and the Lord on the other. I knew in my heart which side I needed to be on but the hurt and anger kept me tilting towards Satan. I had a few thoughts through this period.
First, our church is run by very imperfect people. Yes, they talk when they shouldn't. Yes, they gossip (I have been guilty of the same but have learned an important lesson through this about gossip). Our Stake President handled this the best he could. Could he have helped me understand this process better? Yes. But, thankfully as I mentioned before, excommunications are rather rare and he did what he thought was right with the limited training he had. Perfect church...imperfect people. I have heard that phrase so many times but never fully realized it until now.
Second, I know that we would not be better off without the church and the "drama" of excommunication. I have come to realize that my husband has never really been worthy of the Priesthood and of our temple sealing and his blessings. We really haven't had that for a long while...I just didn't know it. This process, as horrible as it is, is allowing him to cleanse himself of sin so that when he does finally get those blessings back, he will be 100% worthy to use them.
Third, when a sin like this is committed, heavy penalties are required. We understand that. What makes this hard though is feeling like I too have been excommunicated because I have lost so much that is sacred to me in the process. But in reality, i still have access to the Priesthood...just not from my husband. Yes, my temple sealing is "on hiatus" but we like to think that it still exists. It is just waiting for the day when it can be restored. (which, interestingly enough, will be done by a simple laying on of hands. He doesn't have to re-perform all those ordinances in the temple.) I found out from my bishop (after six month of agonizing over this question) that should my husband die before his blessings are restored, I can be re-sealed to him later. That put some comfort into my heart.
Lastly and most of all, I feel like My Heavenly Father loves me so much and hates that this has happened. He is not punishing me at all but hopefully giving me a blessing of much greater value in the end: a worthy and clean husband.
Yep...excommunication hurts like crazy. It is embarrassing and disappointing and something you think you will never have to face because you have the perfect marriage and family after all. But, we sometimes do have to face those things. My objective now is to see the blessings in it. I hope to one day be grateful that my husband was excommunicated as it gave him a chance to come back a whole and healed person.
So I have entered a new realm in my healing from my husband's sex addiction and resulting infidelity. The horrible images and feelings that I have been having for he last six months have begun to fade and the hurt that accompanied many of those dark thoughts has lessened dramatically. I can only attribute that healing to the Savior and the Atonement.
Back when my husband's excommunication occurred, it seemed just a necessary sidenote to the bigger problem: his addiction. I knew it should be devastating to me but at the time, it just wasn't. Perhaps the Lord was lifting that heartache for a while as He helped me wade through the bigger, more devastating hurt of adultery and betrayal. Now, the weight and grief of having an excommunicated husband is settling in and can I just say, IT HURTS! I miss the Priesthood in my home. I miss the comforting knowledge that my husband and I are sealed for eternity...because we are not anymore. I am angry that the covenants that I made with my husband on our wedding day are now null and void. (at least temporarily). I hate the gossip and rumors in our Stake. I hate the way some people treat us differently and don't know what to say to us. (Totally understandable by the way...I am not sure how I would react either). Excommunication is kind of a rare thing... in fact, it is the first one (and hopefully only one) to be handled by our current Stake President. It is such a rare thing and yet, it is my family that is going through it. Of all the families in the Stake, why mine?
I found myself getting angry and bitter towards the church last week. I can't even believe that I could say such a thing because my testimony has been unwavering in all other matters. But, as Satan is eager to do, he started to get a hold of my heart. I felt neglected. I felt like our family had been given the sentence of excommunication with all of the loss of blessing that that entails and then told to go on our merry way. There was no explanation as to what would happen to my eternal marriage should my husband die before his blessings are restored. What about the covenants I made on our wedding day? I didn't break them. How long would this process take? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? There really was no explanation to me. And worse, something that was supposed to be a private matter between our family and the High Council was suddenly spread all over the Stake. The feeling of betrayal has been overwhelming. How many of those brethren went home and told their wives despite being told not to? I cried, I raged, I questioned whether this process would just be easier without the excommunication "drama." I even had thoughts (and these truly terrified me) that maybe it would just be easier to quit and repent on our own, without the Gospel. It was at that point that I realized what was happening to me. Satan had taken hold.
I felt like I was in the middle of a great tug of war with Satan on one side and the Lord on the other. I knew in my heart which side I needed to be on but the hurt and anger kept me tilting towards Satan. I had a few thoughts through this period.
First, our church is run by very imperfect people. Yes, they talk when they shouldn't. Yes, they gossip (I have been guilty of the same but have learned an important lesson through this about gossip). Our Stake President handled this the best he could. Could he have helped me understand this process better? Yes. But, thankfully as I mentioned before, excommunications are rather rare and he did what he thought was right with the limited training he had. Perfect church...imperfect people. I have heard that phrase so many times but never fully realized it until now.
Second, I know that we would not be better off without the church and the "drama" of excommunication. I have come to realize that my husband has never really been worthy of the Priesthood and of our temple sealing and his blessings. We really haven't had that for a long while...I just didn't know it. This process, as horrible as it is, is allowing him to cleanse himself of sin so that when he does finally get those blessings back, he will be 100% worthy to use them.
Third, when a sin like this is committed, heavy penalties are required. We understand that. What makes this hard though is feeling like I too have been excommunicated because I have lost so much that is sacred to me in the process. But in reality, i still have access to the Priesthood...just not from my husband. Yes, my temple sealing is "on hiatus" but we like to think that it still exists. It is just waiting for the day when it can be restored. (which, interestingly enough, will be done by a simple laying on of hands. He doesn't have to re-perform all those ordinances in the temple.) I found out from my bishop (after six month of agonizing over this question) that should my husband die before his blessings are restored, I can be re-sealed to him later. That put some comfort into my heart.
Lastly and most of all, I feel like My Heavenly Father loves me so much and hates that this has happened. He is not punishing me at all but hopefully giving me a blessing of much greater value in the end: a worthy and clean husband.
Yep...excommunication hurts like crazy. It is embarrassing and disappointing and something you think you will never have to face because you have the perfect marriage and family after all. But, we sometimes do have to face those things. My objective now is to see the blessings in it. I hope to one day be grateful that my husband was excommunicated as it gave him a chance to come back a whole and healed person.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Dear Addi, "How does an addict live a double life?"
The questions are coming quickly! Thanks for reading and submitting them. Here is one that I was anxious to answer. It is about the addict's ability to live a double life. I hope you get some insight from it! Keep those questions coming!
Dear Addi, "How does an addict live a double life?"
Dear Addi, "How does an addict live a double life?"
Monday, June 23, 2014
Dear "Addi" - I'm Thinking of Leaving My Wife
Please visit our Dear "Addi" blog for the most recent update.
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