Dear Addi, "How does an addict live a double life?"

The questions are coming quickly!  Thanks for reading and submitting them. Here is one that I was anxious to answer.  It is about the addict's ability to live a double life.  I hope you get some insight from it!  Keep those questions coming!

Dear Addi, "How does an addict live a double life?"

Dear "Addi" - I'm Thinking of Leaving My Wife

Please visit our Dear "Addi" blog for the most recent update.

Dear "Addi", I am thinking of leaving my wife...

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/

Dear "Addi" - Honest Answers From an Addict of Pornography and Sex

Hey friends!

I have started a second blog that I am using to answer my wife's very direct and pointed questions. Perhaps you have similar questions that you wish you could ask of your spouse. Or maybe you have incites I have missed that would benefit the rest of us.  Please click over to read my first post or to make a comment. Or, if you feel like it, submit a question.

Follow this link to the new blog. Dear "Addi"

We will continue to add to this blog as well... Thanks for reading.

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/

Doing hard things

(her story)

I had a strange moment today.  Halfway through the day, I got a call from our stake executive secretary and he asked if I had time to come in tomorrow and meet with President H.  I absolutely had a meltdown.  Why?  Well, President H. took Jason's place in the Stake Presidency after his excommunication.  I DO NOT WANT to meet with him.  I have an unrighteous resentment towards him that I realized today still rages.  I know that sounds weird.  He has done nothing wrong.  He didn’t ask for this calling and he probably didn’t even want it.  But, it was thrust upon him because my husband wasn’t worthy of that calling anymore.

Here is where I have an issue...and it’s not just a little issue.  It’s a big one.  Because of what has happened, I have lost so much.  Some of the things that I have lost involve my relationships and experiences as a wife of a member of the Stake Presidency.  I used to be great friends with the wives of the presidency, having meals together and long chats after Stake Conference.  Those associations have been taken from me and President and Sister H. now get those experiences.  My friendships are not the same with those women because we no longer have the presidency in common.  Now, they look on me with pity...some of them not sure what to say.  It hurts me so.  

So, President H. represents the guy that sits in my husband’s spot.  He and his wife get to have those experiences and relationships and I don’t anymore.  Furthermore, he gets to finish out my husband’s term.  He will faithfully serve for the next six years in the spot that my husband should be sitting in.  It is so painful to even be around him.  I know it’s not fair and I hate that I feel such animosity for him but I do.  I have a desperate need to repent of my feelings but don't feel like I can do that yet.

I called Jason and just wept.  He reminded me that we are trying to do everything 100% and that includes accepting callings from the very man that I can’t stand to be near.  I hope I can do this. I hope I can accept whatever calling (clearly a stake calling) that they feel I can handle at this time in my life.

I feel like the Lord is slowly laying some of the burdens that He has been carrying for me back onto my shoulders.  Suddenly, He is asking me to face one of my biggest triggers….President H. Perhaps He feels like I am ready to carry some of those things on my own finally.  I am not sure I am ready.  I would prefer that He just carry them for me forever.

Flashing Lights

(his story)

My wife has asked me on several occasions what my triggers look and feel like. What do the urges, aches and hunger feel like now compared to when I first began the process of ridding myself of the scourge of pornography?  I have struggled to explain this to her. After a bit of thinking on it, I have finally come up with an analogy that makes sense to me and places my triggers into a visual description.

In my case, my addiction had reached and surpassed the desire and habit of only viewing pornography. I had allowed myself to progress far beyond to a point where I no longer could look upon any woman without the desire to lust after her in my heart. Pornography was all around me.

So, my biggest triggers do not exist only the computer or in cyberspace, but also out in the world. Driving down a busy road and seeing a jogger, making eye contact with the person in the car next to mine, a person standing at the bus stop...these are just a few.  My triggers had jumped out of the world of the wireless and landed directly into the goings on of my everyday life.

Ok, so that is enough background. Here is my analogy:

Have you ever driven by a pawn shop or an electronic store when they have one of those flashing strobe lights in the corner of the window? This is a simple advertising technique. The idea is to draw your attention and get you to look at what is on sale.

When I drive down the street, walk through the mall, go out to dinner, or pretty much find myself anywhere in public…. I am surrounded by flashing lights. Even when I am not looking for them, I see them flashing out of the corner of my eye. Before I committed to living the 12 steps, I would happily turn my head in the direction of the strobing light. It seemed I was always on the look out for the flash…. whether I knew it or not…. I would be seeking and searching for it.

All around me everyday I would see the annoying strobe calling my attention to view the goods on display. Of course, looking once was never enough and a second glance was always required.  And what happens when you stare into a strobe for too long?  You become disoriented and temporarily blinded. Blinded as I was, the fantasies began and then the thoughts would linger and my descent into depravity would continue.

So that was then, but Now? Well, the strobes are still there. They are no less blinding or distracting but somehow through prayer, willpower, and the strength of the spirit, I have discovered I am able to pay them no attention. I simply remind myself, “’Eyes Forward. “ because I have learned that the flashing light doesn't offer me anything but blindness.

I read a scripture last night in 3 Nephi 18:25

25 I…. have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; …..and whosoever breaketh this commandment suffereth himself to be led into temptation.

I know that the obvious interpretation of this scripture is that I need to come unto the Savior and If I do, I will feel and see his love in my life.   If I don’t, I will be led into temptation.  But I tend to read the scriptures differently nowadays.   I find myself reading things into them that are personal to me and my situation.  So here is what I heard when I read this scripture:

“I command you to come unto me. But you need to listen and feel for the dangers around you. If  you don’t, then with your guard down you will be led into temptation…. “

This interpretation helps me remember that He is giving me warning signs all around and if I fail to heed them, I will be led into temptation……

And again in Matthew 26:41 we are warned…

41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So what do I do about those flashing lights all around me? Well, I have changed what they mean to me now. They are no longer triggers or advertising techniques.   Now, instead of a strobing effect to draw me in, I have redefined them.  Now they represent the flashing light warning of the danger in that direction. They remind me to stay on my path and not to be deterred. They remind me to slow down, think about my next action and choose wisely. They are no longer a call to view but instead, a warning to look away. I know now that if I fail to heed the warning that I will easily find myself in dangerous places. Using this kind of thought process has provided me strength and reminded me that it is possible to be in the world without being of it.  

The only light that is worthy of our attention in this life is a light that does not strobe or flash but instead is a constant solid beam of brightness. It emanates from the savior Jesus Christ himself. For He is “The light of the world”. His light never blinds but instead is constantly lighting the way to redemption and eternal life.

May we each follow his light and find his strength in us to overcome that we be not led into temptation.

Win the Day My Brothers.

Facing my Demons and winning

(her story)

As you might imagine, with the volume of revelation and disclosure that I have been enduring, I am battling a lot of demons.  I have so many of them right now I can't hardly juggle them all.  I have over the past few months had the ability to defeat a few of them in very creative ways.  I wanted to share that with you here!

1.  My husband's addiction lasted 25 years, 17 of which occurred during our marriage.  How, you might ask, did he get away with it for that long without me knowing?  The answer is simple.  He works for himself.  We have our own business and for the most part, he is at his office alone all day long.  I rarely found myself coming out to work because I had children to take care of.  That office was where most of his addiction progressed and finally manifested in the form of affairs.  As you might imagine, I feel like a great evil exists in that space.  Whenever I now come into his office, I feel that darkness, and the anxiety, hurt and grief automatically trigger.  Because we can't move workplaces right now, and because I am now much more active in helping to run the business, I needed to CHANGE that office completely.  So, we took his desk, his couch, all of his other furniture and we got rid of it!  That's right...we took it to the dump!  It was a perfectly good desk but watching it fall into the garbage pit and smash to bits was so therapeutic!  We went out and bought him a whole new desk set, 2 new couches and lots of family pictures.  The office looks completely different so that neither he nor I "trigger" when we are there.

2.  When my husband was deep in the middle of the worst parts of his addiction, he would meet up with his latest "drug"  (i.e. his affair parther) at a local park before she went to work.  He would only do it when he knew that I was picking kids up from school so I had no idea.  They would just sit in his truck and "chat."  I hated the idea of that mystery park.  I needed to create a new memory around it.  So, I demanded that he take me there.  He was SO nervous.  I was a little nervous.  But, he dutifully drove right to the spot where they parked and we sat and talked.  By doing this, he was introducing me to that mysterious world that had caused me so much pain.  He was finally including me in it.  We talked and laughed and held hands and now that park has a totally different meaning for me.  I now remember that lovely memory and not the sinister comings and goings of my husband and his "other woman."

3.  We have done this a few more times with other events.  As you read in his story, he met with his first affair partner in a hotel an hour away.  Well, guess what?  I made him take me there. (It helps that the only 12 step group that we can access is in that same town)  I even surprised myself by insisting that we get out of the car and visit the door of the room that they were in.  Talk about scary!  He was terrified.  But, it turned out good.  Again, we were open and loving about it and he once more expressed his deep sorrow and shame.  So, he has again included me in his dark world...something that he was never able to do before.  It was good for both of us.

4.  Just as a junkie would do anything to secure his drug of choice, an escalated sex addict will do anything to gain access to his drug...the realization of fantasy.  With the last and longest affair, he had a willing "drug" that was always available.  Feeling bad about using this person for his selfish needs, he gave her a few gifts at Christmastime.  (Those gifts were the ones I found on the note in his garbage can).  I have always hurt about those gifts.  Well, call it fate, inspiration or who knows what...but, SHE happened to drop a bag of stuff at our doorstep last week.  That's right...after FOUR months of no contact, she picks now to drop these "gifts" off at my feet.  Surprisingly, I was elated to get them back because it did two things for me.  It confirmed to me that there was indeed nothing still brewing between this woman and my husband.  Second, those items that really should have always been mine, had found their way home to be used in the way that I desired.  Guess what we did with them?  Late after returning from our 12 step class, we doused them with gasoline and torched them in our firepit.  I didn't leave that pit until there was nothing left but ashes.  It was AWESOME!  We laughed and talked and I rejoiced seeing them burn into nothing.  It was almost like I could finally burn her out of my life.  For Jason, these gifts brought intense embarrassment.  I am pretty sure he was not in his right mind during those months and now he just shakes his head and says, "what was I thinking?"

So, those are a few of the things I have been doing to tackle my demons.  I just can't let them fester.  I have to face them and make a better memory with them.  Now, when I think of those silly gifts that my husband gave to another women, instead of bursting into tears, I can smile at the silly night we had burning them. Instead of wondering about the locations that he met others, I have the memory of him humbly showing them to me while facing his own demons.  I have no idea if this is a recommended treatment for what we are going through or if my therapist would frown upon it but it's working for me and that is all that matters.

My addiction journey part 7

Hello friends.  This is second to the last part of my journey.  It is the final escalation that led to my rescue.  I have been very careful to not share too many details...just events.  If, however, you find yourself getting "triggered" by such things, I am putting up this disclaimer.  I needed to share this part.  It shows just how far an addiction like this can go if allowed to fester.  I hope this helps someone.

It started out again as it always did...simply viewing. Soon I again found myself on web sites to chat only this time I was finding it easier to chat with women of all ages and i was finding fewer and fewer barriers or lines that I wouldn't cross. Any person willing to give me what I needed was fair game. All the while I was using the same deceitful tactics and lies. Next came the perusing of the online classifieds and the answering of ads until finally I found myself  writing an ad to pull in someone to chat with locally.

It sounds so calculated and designed. But it was just a natural progression for me except this time was different. What initially took 24 years of slowly slipping deeper and deeper, gradually relaxing my standards and loosening my morals, now took me less then 5 months to return to in entirety.   Each outlet was never enough.  It always led to more and more until finally I found myself chatting with as many as 5 women at once. It took almost all of my time at the office.  Little did they know that my cute and dorky, charming facade was simply a replay of what I had said so many times before. None of them ever received an original thought that had not already been proven on another.

After a couple of weeks I had narrowed it down and found myself chatting with 2 women. I see now just how manipulative I was. I preyed on their vulnerabilities hoping for something more than just a chat buddy. They were single, lonely, and eager for attention and affection.

It turned out one lived an hour away and the other in my home town. Keep in mind I sincerely believed that I was only going to chat with them and exchange stories and fantasies.   My goal was to get it out of my system. But it never gets out of your system. Your system will always want more and more.

I chatted with both. However, the one in my home town was more available to chat when I was and so that is where I concentrated most of my efforts. We talked via email daily. After a full month of chatting I discovered through some questioning that she lived only a few blocks away from our home.

I felt the urge to disconnect. This was far too close. She could easily know me or someone who knows me. This was way too risky. I knew I should disconnect but again, I did not. You see, things had suddenly become more complicated. Before discovering that we might be neighbors, I had shared photos of myself with her. She knew my face now. To cut and run as I had done before would be difficult to do. What if we ran into each other?  She could possibly expose my lies to all. I told myself that this was my reason for allowing it to continue. But this was just another excuse. In truth, I was again completely sucked in by the lust that surrounded every conversation.

Right before Halloween, she began to see through some of my lies. They were the lies I told about my name and family and work. She became angry that I had kept lying all that time and told me not to contact her again.  Part of me felt that I had found a way out. The other part of me felt like I had just lost a constant source for feeding my addiction..

On Halloween night, I spotted her trick or treating with her kids on our street. Up until now, she had no Idea where I lived. She came right up to our house with her kids. I panicked. Not knowing if she had seen me, I decide to quickly walk down the street to avoid meeting in person.  The next day she sent me an email saying she had seen me and felt that If I could answer a few more questions that perhaps she would be OK to continue chatting.  I saw an opportunity to keep my deception going but I answered her questions with half truths and more lies.  My answers satisfied her and before another week had passed, she had invited me to come visit her at her home.

My urges were on high alert. I remembered only too well what happened the last time I was invited to meet someone in this way. I knew the consequences of such a visit. But unlike last time, I found myself almost on auto pilot. It was no longer a battle anymore. I had lost the battle long ago. I was now numb to any enticings of the spirit completely. I still knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I had absolutely no will power to push back against the desires.  I had already decided I was going to hell for the things I had done…. It mattered not if I screwed up again.

That simple statement became my doctrine. It allowed me to rationalize my actions and behavior and so, I went.  That was the first of many visits that took place over the next 2 months.  I continued with my lies and deceit. I continued with my quest to receive what i needed to fulfill my appetite… and here I had someone willing.  So effective were my lies and manipulation that she began to have real feelings for me.   How could she feel that way about someone she barely knew especially when all she knew was filled with half truth?  I allowed her to let her feelings grow because it meant that I would be able to continue to take advantage of the relationship. I cared not about what I was doing to her, her heart or her head...only what she could do for me.  My actions were motivated by my own selfish desires.

At the same time I was feeling torn.  I really wanted it over.  In my heart I needed this to end. I felt trapped.  Even if I did have the willpower to stop, I had a problem.  She knew where I lived. She could possibly out me if I hurt her feelings. I told myself that the only way to protect my family and my marriage was to continue my lies and the relationship. This was just one more of the rationalizations that perpetuated my sins.

It was a relationship of convenience. I had discovered a person who needed what I could provide her.  She needed to be complimented, to be made to feel good about herself and to feel loved and of worth and of value.  So, thinking only of myself, I did that for her.   I handed out loving words, gifts, poems, and more to manipulate her and to help her feel like she needed me. I had fallen in lust and I was using every sweet, silly, or romantic idea I had to keep it flowing.

I mistakenly  thought that now that I had reached this point, that perhaps I would finally find a way to quench that thirst that never goes away.  My desires and needs had been my overriding objective for months. I had finally found someone who was willing to try and satisfy that urge.   Of course she had no idea that she was a victim of my addiction. She never knew that she  was just my latest prey.

And as the the weeks progressed,  I began to discover that the hole I thought I could fill with my most recent sexual escalation was still gaping wide open. My urges started again. I needed to find filler for that hole.  In the meantime, my self hate was beyond comprehension. I had been lying, and hurting and deceiving so many people. I hated my actions but with no hope for forgiveness or redemption from my sins,  I for the first time in my life, began to have thoughts that perhaps life would be better without me in it.

If I weren't around, my wife  would be able to find a man who could be honest with her. She could have the promised eternal blessings with someone who was worthy. She deserved that after all. More than anybody in this she deserved to be made whole. My children could have a father who wasn't completely warped with thoughts of filthiness and corruption. They could have a genuine response from a man who loved them openly, instead of the protective love of a man who feared he might expose his sins at any moment. I felt on several occasions that maybe that was the only way to escape this crippling infection. Again, I found myself filled with Satan's lies.  I knew that they were lies as I would never ever consider taking my life, at least not seriously.   But the thought found its way into my mind on more than a few occasions. My self loathing simply sent me deeper into dark waters and I ended up escalating one more time.

This time it was easy to take it to the next level.  At the same time I had been enjoying the spoils of a willing partner, I was also continuing to chat with one of the women that answered my ad from several weeks earlier. She invited me to come and see her in her home an hour out of town.

Yes you are reading this correctly. In the middle of my affair, I decided to have a second affair. All I could think about now was sex. I had become a runaway train and I was gaining speed. There were no road blocks or stop signs I wouldn't blast through. All that mattered was the next thing. Surely I could do no more damage  by indulging with another?   It had become a free for all into depravity.  As far as my distorted mind was concerned, nothing would be off limits. How completely broken I had become. I was spinning out of control. I was taking risks and throwing caution to the wind. Blinded by lust and desire, all of my rational thought had been blurred.

I went and met the woman out of town in her home and again found myself engaged with her intimately.  Just so you know how single focused and obsessed I had become, here is a description of that day in a nutshell.  I  went to see Alice in the morning, then headed out of town to see the other woman. I had so little respect for each that I spent time with both on the same day.  And of course after a day filled with both women,  I came back home to my wife and put on a smile.

I continued to live with the guilt and shame but I had become so accustomed to it that it had begun to feel like my own skin. I hated everything about myself. My self loathing and hate only served to send me deeper into my spiral of indulgence.

I deleted all my information and never spoke to the 2nd  woman after that but over the next couple of weeks, I met with at least 2 other women in person,  hoping with each to flirt and impress my way into intimate situations. And while I didn't become involved with either, I continued to reach out to many others hoping to trap them in my web of deceit.

In the final 2 weeks of the affair with Alice, I knew things were winding down.  My lust felt unsatisfied (because lust is NEVER satisfied) and I again posted an ad online. A few interested parties responded and I began chatting with them right away.  Three days before everything came crashing down,  I was beginning to chat seriously with another woman in my home town.   We'll call her Kim. Kim and I chatted back and forth through email and  began sharing pictures and started up a flirty conversation.

While I was beginning a new relationship with this new Kim, things were coming quickly to a halt with Alice. We had decided that it was time to call it off. It was beginning to get too risky and we were going to get caught.   I was so grateful that we had finally brought it to an end.  I felt horrible about it.   It was never supposed to become this long drawn out affair.  I was just supposed to get what I needed and get out  and so I was anxious for it to end, especially as she began to express more and more of her feelings.

The opportunity came and we decided that I would come by to see her one last time on a Tuesday morning. We spent the morning chatting and pledging to never contact each other again. “I wish it could go on but I really need to try and fix my family, “ I had said. This of course was a lie. What I really wanted was to rid myself of the guilt.  What I really wanted was to stop this behavior and never do it again. I wanted to shove the last 2 months deep into my past and never speak of them to another soul forever more. I told myself I would use this moment to start fresh. I would recommit harder than ever this time.  Yes, this would be the time that it would be behind me forever.

Okay, yes...I did mean that but maybe not this second...or this morning.   I would start  this afternoon because as I was saying goodbye to Alice,  I was preparing to meet with another woman,  just to see if we clicked.

Side note…. I am so completely filled with disgust at myself as I write this. I have literally spoken of chatting or meeting with 4 different woman in the space of 2 weeks. How completely addicted to this life of darkness and shame I had become.

I told My wife that I had a meeting with a client an hour out of town.   While away, my wife would be going into my office to work. I went and met with this woman. We chatted for about 20 minutes and then said goodbye.  For some reason, this became the moment that I finally began to see how completely stuck in this hell I had become. Here I was, literally less than 2 hours from trying to put an end to everything and getting control and I am already chatting alone with another woman. There was no way to exit. I was on this runaway train for the rest of my life. And it is getting faster and faster.   I did not have the strength to pull the brake.  I would go on lying and deceiving and hurting others the rest of my life because this is just who I was.  Perhaps someday I would find a way off the train.  Perhaps someday I would find the courage to jump,  ending this hell forever.  The crushing weight of shame and guilt came again. I drove aimlessly lost in my guilt and loathing.

At one point during my drive, my phone rang.  It was my wife. I could not bring myself to answer the phone. I was too ashamed and filthy to talk with her right now. I felt like the weight was getting so heavy that I might slip up and reveal myself. So, I ignored the call. My phone chimed announcing that I had a new message.  As I listened to her message,  I heard my wife  through pain and tears and weeping say,  “Jason… I need you to call me right away…...Please call me.”