New Dear Addi Post - RED FLAGS! - What are they?

It has been a little while since I have posted in the 'Dear Addi' blog, however I am continuing to receive questions from those who return to it often. Here is an overdue post with more in this series to come. in the coming days. Thank you for continuing to read and share  your thoughts ans questions.

Here is the most recent post. Red Flags - What are They?

New Dear Addi Post - Finally!

After several emails asking if he is still alive and what is the status of his recovery, Addi has found some time to blog again. Please read his latest post here.

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/

A full update of our journey over the last year is coming in the next post.

Major personal update

Hello friends,

I just wanted to take a moment to share a personal update for my wife and I. We are so thrilled to report that after 3 years of begging, pleading, and convincing, our area will finally be starting a pornography addiction recovery group. Our first class starts in just 2 weeks.

As I began my personal confession process almost 3 years ago, I knew based on my habits and hungers that seemed to be on auto pilot, that I was not going to be able to beat my addiction with out help. We went to the LDS church addiction recovery website and searched for a class nearby. Unfortunately the closest group to us was an hours drive away. We committed to making the drive every week. At the same time, we asked the stake what the chances are that we could have our own class. After all we lived in a tri stake area and there was nothing for pornography addicts at all.

The request was accepted and agreed with, but with the bureaucratic process being what it is, it either got sidelined or back burnered  for any number of reasons. We never stopped asking though. At least 3 or 4 times a year (probably more) we would suggest again and again the importance and need for the class. Our good stake president wanted to make it happen but was battling some oposing forces from other local stakes.

We never gave up. We continued to drive an hour north every weeks for 3 years time. We, with the bishops permission, started our own little group within our ward for brothers that were struggling but unable to make the weekly drive. With a group of about 4 to 6 brethren, we were able to work the steps and find healing together.

Approaching the 3 year mark of my initial confession, We continued to plead for a local group. Finally the 3 stake presidents were able to agree on the need for the group and informed us that we would be starting one in just a few short weeks.

Be careful what you wish for! Our stake president was only to happy to tell us that not only would we have our own group, but that he would like my wife and I to be the group leaders!.. Honestly not what we were looking to do, but thrilled none the less.

The Moral? Never give up!. Our leaders know this is needed. If you don't have a pornography specific group in your area... then ask... and keep asking. Part of the reason so many areas don't have groups is because the leaders don't know how badly it's needed.

We simply kept sharing the stats and encouraging the stake president to ask his Bishops how many brothers they knew of in their wards that were struggling. The numbers make a very compelling argument.

Here are a few of the stats we shared and a link to many more if your interested.

- 64% of Christian men look at pornography at least once a month. (source: covenanteyes.com statistics).
- there is no evidence to suggest that the numbers are lower inside the mormon church. (Source: rowboats and marbles)
- in fact it seems to go against it. If your a fundamentalist Christian (like a mormon) you are 91% more likely to have a pornography addiction.. (source: covenanteyes.com statistics).
- in Salt Lake Valley the ratio of general addiction to pornography addiction groups is nearly 1 to 1. The church recognizes this is needed. (Lds addiction recover Web site, find a group near you)

For some quick stats go here... http://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/

To download the complete statistical report (its big, and very detailed) go here. http://www.covenanteyes.com/pornography-facts

Good luck on your quest to get a group started in your area.

Dear Addi Post, 'Should I Confess?'

Addi has a new post ready. A good young return missionary is struggling with confessions questions. Addi gives his 2 cents on how the young man should aproach confession. Find the newest post here.

Dear Addi, Should I confess?

'The Anatomy of a Slip' - What the heck is he thinking?

New Dear Addi Post!!

'Addi' breaks down the 'Anatomy of a Slip'

What goes through an addicts mind before, during and after a slip?

Follow this link to read the newest post!!!

Dear Addi Personal Update!

A Personal Update from "Dear Addi" has Just been posted. You can Check it out here.

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/

Equal Priesthood time!

(His story)

I just posted step 8 in "How do I help my wife Heal."  It's called...Make sure she gets time with her priesthood leaders too!  You can find it here:

http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/2015/12/step-8-in-how-do-i-help-my-wife.html

I have written it from the perspective of me...the husband, trying to help his wife heal.  This can also apply if the roles are reversed.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Dear 'Addi', Step 7 in Helping Wives Heal - Make New Memories!

It has been  several months, but my husband has finally found time to sit back down and answer some questions again. His next  2 posts will be to finish up the series he has written called 'How can I help My wife heal?'.

In the next few days he will be returning to answering questions submitted to him about Pornography addiction from his perspective as an addict in recovery. His first post will be titled, 'The anatomy of a slip'. In this post he has dug deep into the process of a slip to better understand the stages an addicts mind goes through as he progresses from firm to faltering. 

Please feel free to send him your questions, read the answers to previous questions, or to add your own 2 cents to his. 

Here is the newest post. 

Dear 'Addi', How can I help My wife Heal Step 7, Make New Memories!

Thanks for reading!

Halloween Haunts

So, two years ago, my husband's future mistress showed up at our home for trick or treating, not knowing that he lived there.  Since they had only exchanged pictures and messages on line, the two of them were shocked to see each other face to face that night.  (I of course was oblivious).  The physical affair started the next day.  Now that I know this, Halloween has for the last 2 years been a huge trigger.

This year, I woke up in the morning with a huge knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest.  I wanted to blame it all on the Halloween candy that I had been gorging on all day but I knew it wasn't that.  These anniversaries are so hard sometimes. This year, I went to our adult session of Stake Conference at night (they held it early so that parents could get home to trick or treat with their kids) and my husband left extra early to get our house ready.

When I came home from the Conference,  Jason was visibly shaken.  I just KNEW that she had stopped by our house.  She always trick or treats in our neighborhood with her children but last year, she stayed clear of our home.  (We think...we saw her kids, just not her)  She must be feeling extra bold this year as she and her kids were one of the first to stop by our house.  Jason said he walked outside to check on the candy and there she was, in the clear daylight, standing in front of our house.  He was so angry.  Sure, she has a right to trick or treat anywhere she wants, but common sense and a sense of courtesy say you don't make your first stop your affair partner's home as he is trying to put his family and marriage back together.

To his credit, Jason grabbed the younger kids and bolted down the driveway in the opposite direction to go trick or treating.  Though they saw each other, no words were exchanged and he later told me that he felt "repulsed" when he saw her.  I know that is a harsh way to talk about a daughter of God, but it made me glad.  To relieve some of the tension, we grabbed our little ones, grabbed each other's hand and marched back out into the neighborhood to finish the trick or treating.  If she was going to see him again, she was going to see him hand in hand with me!

This whole incident was a very bizarre beginning to this, the 2nd anniversary of the worst 2 months of my life.  How fitting that on the day of the 2 year anniversary, she shows her face.   Is this indicative of what the next 2 months will be like?  I know we are gearing up for the big finish (though not really a finish)...the 2 year conclusion of his excommunication and loss of priesthood/temple blessings and I just hope that as Satan throws more fiery darts our way, that we don't get derailed.  Here's to the added strength that I pray we are both getting from Heaven!

Becoming a "Master"

I read this quote the other day on Facebook.  I'm not sure who said it but it goes like this:  "The master has failed more times then the beginner has even tried."  How does that apply to me?  How does it apply to my husband?  In truth, finding that quote came at a really good time.  My husband has begun to get discouraged that the battle to stay clean is sometimes just as hard today (20 months later) as it was on day one.

How many times does he get triggered in a 24  hour period?  He no longer tells me because it makes me worry.  I know he wishes that with repentace,  this burden would have been removed from him.  I know now that that may never happen.  The truth is, this addiction may never fully go away...in fact, it probably won't.  It has festered and grown for too many years to just be eliminated overnight.  And that is where that quote comes in.

My husband has had several "slips" since his rebaptism.  Some have been minor and some have been full blown, addict behavior slips. They have each been intensely painful to us both but for him, the slips have also been learning tools.  He tells me that with each slip, he learns something new about himself and his weaknesses. Now, I'm not saying that slips are good and that they should be sought after...but if they are used as a learning tool, they can be helpful.  In order to "master" something, we have to fail...numerous times.

That principle goes for me too.  I still have moments when my thoughts get away from me.  I ask myself..."Could I have done anything different?" or, "If I only would have followed my instincts sooner, perhaps the affairs wouldn't have gone on for as long as they did."  I catch myself wanting to feel that pain again, to open up old wounds, to berate myself, to look in the mirror and call myself ugly.  When the images that once tormented me pop into my mind, sometimes, I let them stay.  When those images are allowed to stay, that old pain returns and instead of chasing it away, I wallow in it for a while.  Those moments are slips for me.  I become like Lot's wife...experiencing the damaging consequences of "looking back."  But, just as my husband learns from his slips, I learn from mine.

By the time I am past this trial, I am truly going to be a "Master" at trauma..not because I am good at handling it..but because I have failed so many times, that I have learned what to do and what not to do.  I hope that instead of having this addiction removed,  the Lord will instead (through failure) help my husband become a "master" at recovery.  Had my husband just decided on DDay that that was it...he was done and was never going to mess up again, what would he have learned? If I had decided after DDay that I was just going to forget about it, forgive and move on, what would I have learned?  It is through the struggle, the failure, the low moments that we learn the most.  The knowledge that I have gained through my bad days has so outweighed the knowledge that I have gained in my carefree ones.  

May we all become "masters" at recovery...not because we have won every battle but because we have learned from the ones we have lost.
 

Weakness or Strength?

Josh Duggar Story

Is "Staying" a sign of weakness?  This Josh Duggar scandal is driving me crazy.  When I read the stories, I scroll down to the comments and am reminded why I should never view the comments.  Every one of them is either calling Josh a "deviant" or calling his wife the "uneducated, submissive wife that has to stay because she has no other options."  When I read these comments encouraging Anna to leave Josh immediately and that she would be a fool to stay with him, I get so triggered!  I have immense compassion for Anna because my story is now hers.  Every discovery about her husband's on line accounts and recurring affairs is my story exactly.  Affairs, fake identities, meaningless hook ups...it is all a sign of the horrible disease that is sex addiction.  I've seen it all, felt it all and I have chosen to forgive it all and save my marriage.

Does that make me weak?  Does that make me submissive?  Does that mean that I am an uneducated simpleton that can't make it on my own without my husband's income?  I say no and I am guessing that most of my fellow WOPA bloggers would agree.  I would guess that the majority of us (whether it be porn addiction or sex addiction) have chosen to stay and try and work things out.  Granted, not all of it is in our control.  Many husbands aren't willing to do the hard work of recovery and choose their addiction over their family and if that is what Josh chooses, then yes, Anna...get out. But if Josh is willing to repent and do the hard work of both recovery and helping Anna heal, then she is not weak for staying.  She is powerful.

I am trying to remember that today.

Dear Addi, Complete Transparency Step 6

Dear 'Addi', "How I can help my wife heal? Step 6"

Click here for his most recent Post!

Transparency! 

Thanks for reading.

A Wife In Mourning. Step 5

How can I help My Wife Heal? Step 5

A Wife in Mourning.

'Addi' continues to lay out the steps the steps he believes will help to mend a relationship broken by pornography, infidelity, or adultery. Read the newest post here.

Honest Answers to Painful questions

How can I help My Wife Heal? Step 4 

'Addi' continues to lay out the steps for helping to mend a relationship broken by pornography and infidelity. Read the newest post here.

Get Into The Game

How Can I help My wife heal? Step 3, Get Into the Game.

Dear Addi, has posted the 3rd step in the series on how we as husbands can help our wives heal from and through our addictions and infidelity.


Click here for the most recent post.

Who's Holding The Bat?

Dear Addi, How can I Help My Wife Heal? Step 2.

Step 2 'Take Responsibility' - Who's holding the bat!

How Can I Help My Wife Heal? - 'Step 1'

(his story)

It has been a couple months since I have had time to update our 'Dear Addi' blog. I have received several questions that all lend themselves to this topic so, I am happy to return with a new 12 Part series on how we as husbands can help our wives heal.  Part one is available by following the link below. I will be posting a new step every couple of days.

Step 1 can be found here.

Making my Peace with God

(her story)

I'm going through this weird phase right now in my ongoing (and often slow) recovery.  We are 15 months down the road from DDay and I feel like it has been a hard fought battle for each and every one of those 450 or so days.  Some days are easier than others and some days, I find myself struggling with unexpected feelings and angers.

This anger and doubt is unfortunately directed at the one person that I should have total and perfect faith in and that is the Lord.  There is a reason for this and perhaps many of you betrayed wives or addicts have often felt the same.  I feel like there were only two people that knew of my husband's 17 year addiction to pornography (and the eventual affairs) and those were my husband and the Lord.  These are the two most important people in my life and both chose to keep me in the dark.

It actually gets worse then that.  When my husband was in the throes of his addiction, he was asked to serve in the Stake Presidency.  I am sure the Lord hoped that that call (from an apostle no less) would spur my husband into confessing instead of accept a call that prominent and heavy.  But, my husband didn't say anything and the calling went through.  Our Stake president was prompted to call him as his counselor and an apostle of the Lord laid his hands on my husband's head and received no revelation or prompting that something was amiss.  I don't get that.

What is interesting is that when we were sitting with this apostle just hours before the Stake Conference that would see the new presidency sustained by the body of the Stake, the apostle told us  (what seemed at the time) a strange story.  He talked of a brother in a stake that was asked to serve in a calling only to have it revealed that he was having an affair with the Relief Society President.  The apostle told of how the man's wife fled to the church bathroom on hearing this news and was found there, vomiting and in deep distress.  I scratched my head in confusion at this story and why it was being shared now, at this very spiritual meeting.  (I also remember thinking, "thank goodness that will never happen to me.") Perhaps there was a reason for that.  Perhaps this was a direct warning to my husband.  He had not yet committed adultery at that point but would succumb just seven months later.

Did the Lord know that this was going to happen?  Surely He must have suspected that my husband's addiction would eventually lead to adultery if not treated properly.  So why allow the calling to go through?  It would have been so easy to not give the Stake President that prompting to call him as a counselor or for the apostle to receive a prompting during his initial interviews with my husband (and there were several.)  And yet, the Lord stayed silent.

I wish I understood why.  Sometimes it feels like it was an effort to maximize the painfulness of the whole experience.  We didn't get the luxury of handling this in private.  Because my husband was very dramatically  and suddenly released, everyone in the stake either knew or suspected what happened.  The sympathetic looks or the basic avoidance of some members was terribly hard.  It has improved significantly now but it is still hard for both of us to be at Stake functions and not feel eyes on us.  Are they judging us?  Are they disgusted?  Do they admire us or pity us?  Hard, Hard Hard.

Anyway, I am finding that I am reluctant to go the the Lord in personal prayer because I don't know that I trust the promptings I get.  How could so many of us get it so wrong?  Perhaps though, I need to change my perspective.  Did we get it wrong or is there some higher plan here?  Was there a reason that my husband needed to serve in that calling and then fall so brutally in front of all those people?  Did he need that friendship with the Stake President to facilitate his confession?  Did he do some good in the calling , despite what he was doing on the side?  I want to believe that those promptings are the true ones.  I just am not confident in my abilities to tell the difference between what I want to believe and what actually is.

And truthfully, I may never know why the Lord stayed silent.  I have to believe that had He truly not wanted my husband to serve in that calling, He would have spoken to the apostle and the apostle would have listened.  So, if I am being faithful and trusting that the Lord knows what He is doing and always has a higher plan, then there must have been a reason for it all.  I hope that someday i can have an explanation that I can trust.

I need to make peace with the Lord.  I feel angry at times and betrayed.  There is something so utterly terrifying about being in the dark.  When there are bad things going on all around you that directly affect your health, your safety, your family...and no one says anything...it makes you feel like you have no control over your life.  I am at the mercy of the honesty of others and that' s not a place I want to be.

So, now that we are almost a year and a half into this journey, I want to know for sure that should my husband fall into bad paths again, that someone will let me know.  I would hope that that someone would be the Lord.  Do I have faith that He will tell me if something goes amiss?  Not yet.  I wish I did but I don't.  I wish I understood completely His 17 year silence.    Either way, I need to go to Him in prayer and try very hard to listen.  Nothing is going to change if I don't start trusting Him again.

Telling our family

(Our story)

We have a big family.  Jason has six sibling and I have 3.  Over this last year, a few of them have found out about our struggle from people that did not have the details and wanted to gossip.  But a majority of our family members are clueless as to what we have been going through this past year.  Now that the first 12 months have been completed and Jason's membership has been restored, we have felt a need to fill them all in on what has happened.

There are a couple of reasons for this.  The most important one for me is to feel like I could stop lying to everyone.  Last summer I attended his family reunion in Nauvoo.  (Jason stayed home)  A couple of times, the brothers-in-law would ask me how Jason was doing in his calling in the Stake Presidency.  After that inevitable moment of panic, I had to lie to them and say, "he's doing great."  Had I told them he had been released, they would have asked what his new calling was and I would have had to either invent a new lie or let them ask more questions that would surely lead them to realize what was going on.  We didn't want to taint this wonderful reunion with this kind of news and disappointment.

The second reason for telling our family now is that we feel like we have achieved some success (despite last week's minor setback) and we worry that perhaps members of our family are struggling with similar things and are just afraid to come clean about it.  Perhaps a full disclosure from us could help one of them have the courage to come forward.

 Jason was insistent that we wait until he could be re-baptized so that he could speak with some authority on the subject and not as an excommunicated addict.  So, we waited and prayed that in the meantime, no one would ask us questions that were too deep and probing.

So, with courage and faith in the love and compassion of our siblings, we moved.  Jason wrote a 13 page letter to each of them and sent it...of course, calling each of them beforehand to let them know a letter was coming.  Once sent, we could only nervously wait for the fallout.  I have to tell you, the repercussions of the letter have been wonderful and healing.  Both of his sisters that did not know called almost immediately, so grateful for our story and so compassionate.  Instead of asking "how could you do this?" or expressing their disappointment, there was only love.  His brothers sent emails back also expressing their love and support.  I kind of wish we had done this sooner.

One of Jason's brothers is a bishop and he was right away able to share a part of Jason's letter to a member of his ward that is struggling with addiction.  We invited our siblings to share the letter with their married children in hopes that they can start their new marriages free of pornography.
It has been good and it has been a huge weight lifted.

I hate keeping secrets.  I hate not being able to speak freely to those I love the most.  So, this has been healing for me and I know it is a relief to Jason.  I know that for a lot of you, telling your family is not a good option.  Perhaps they will judge you too harshly or encourage you to end your marriages.  I completely understand the need for many of you to keep this addiction private.

If you are interested in reading the letter that Jason sent to his family, you can find it in our Dear Addi blog.  Here is the link:  http://dearaddict.blogspot.com/2015/03/how-do-i-tell-my-family-about-my.html

Not so perfect streak

(her story)

Well friends...I have had a string of positive, happy emails surrounding my husband's recent re-baptism.  For the most part, the afterglow of that experience has stayed with me.  I am going to try and hang on to that happy feeling as I write this post.

 I wish I could say that my husband's 13 months streak was still intact, but alas, it was broken this morning with a slip.  Sigh.  I felt it coming.  He has been struggling since his rebaptism with urges and aches that seem more powerful now then before.  It was just a movie that he stumbled across but it led to a full blown slip up.  I want to be angry and hurt but I'm just not feeling it.  Disappointed? Yes.  Uneasy?  Yes.  Empathetic?  Double yes!

Here is something that I haven't divulged to you good readers yet but I too struggle with this addiction.  It is not all the time and not as aggressive as my husband's addiction, but it is there nonetheless.  The truth is, last week, I had a slip and I did not tell  him about it.  It has haunted me for the last week and when he called me this morning to tell me of his issue, I came clean about mine.  I hate to say this but when you understand the addiction because you have it yourself, it makes empathy and compassion so much more attainable.  I wish I didn't struggle with this.  Truthfully, it has become a little worse since my husband's affairs of 2013 and revelations of 2014.  I have talked a little about it here:  playing in the dirt

So, why now?  Why after 13 months are we both struggling?  When he received his post baptism confirmation blessing, the Stake President warned him in that blessing that the adversary wasn't done yet and that this would be a challenging year as the temptations were going to be harder.  So far, that has been true.

So, what do I do?  I guess we double down on the safeguards and barriers that we built so forcefully last year.  We have been relaxing a little bit in our habits and we just can't do that.  Last year we turned the TV off by 10:00 and we both went to bed together.  We have not been doing that lately and my husband has been up later then me, watching TV.  He has been home sick for the last 2 days while I have gone to work.  I knew that that too was playing with fire but what choice did we have?

I have to say that I am proud of him for telling me minutes later.  (He called me at work).  Just that act of telling me has filled up my trust bucket.  Since he hasn't slipped up since his disclosures of last year, I have often wondered and worried if he would actually tell me if he had a mess up.  I worried that maybe he was having slips and not disclosing them to me.  But now, I  know what he will do when he slips.  He will tell me...and quickly. Thank heavens for that!

So, slight bump in our winning streak but that's okay.  I will try and love him all the more and be grateful that he forgives me of my errors.  We are both two broken souls traversing this difficult path together.  Tough day today but onward we move.